William

Phil called this morning and let us know that William is here and he and mom are doing well. William weighed in at an impressive 11 lb. 2 oz and 21 1/2 inches long. It is a blessing that he came early as he proabably would have been much larger in another week and a half. I am grateful that he is here and that all is well.

His birth has me thinking about the wonder of grandchildren and my role as a grandmother. He is #18 and I worry that I won't have the time or the physical ability to keep up with him and his cousins. I also worry about the example I am setting for them. All of them gives me the impetus to get a handle on my addictions - and I guess that really isn't what I want - I don't really want to "control" the addictions - I want to be healed from them - never to return to them. I want to break these bands of slavery and become my best self. While I know that I can never return to the health that I would have had had I not become addicted I also know that I can maximize what I do have - as long as I work at it.

In the Recovery Book it states, "When we honestly looked at the past, we admitted that nothing we had tried on our own had worked. We acknowledged that the addiction had only gotten worse. We realized how much our addictions had damaged relationships and robbed us of any sense of worth. At this point, we took the first step toward freedom and recovery by finding courage to admit that we were not just dealing with a problem or a bad habit. We finally admitted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable and that we needed help to overcome our addictions. The amazing thing about this honest realization of defeat was that recovery finally began."

Alma 26:11-12 states that in God's strength we can do all things - I marvel at my arrogance. For many, many years I have tried to do this alone. I'm not much different from those who think they can stop global warning or save the world - their arrogance has been so amazing to me because I have just shaken my head in wonder that they seem to think they have the power to stop anything that God decrees. But, in contrast, while they have denied His power to override their efforts I have denied that His power could save me - because I haven't called upon Him - haven't believed or had the faith to rely on Him - or even to consider that I had so little power to overcome these very real problems on my own.

The Recovery Book also states that, "The only requirement to begin recovery is the desire to stop participating in the addiction. If your desire is small and inconsistent today, don't worry. It will grow!" Boy, I sure hope that is true!

The Recovery Book urges me to list what is important to me, so here goes:

The Lord, my husband, my children, their spouses, my grandchildren, my parents and siblings and their families, friends.
My home, the temple, church, church callings, visiting teaching, a mission, service.
Walking, running, swimming, shopping, good health, climbing stairs, sewing, cooking, going anywhere in public.
My country, attending special events, travel, gardening, genealogy, sexual intimacy, clothes, self respect, holidays, playing games, cooking.

The Recovery Book then urges me to look for contradictions between what I believe in and hope for and my behavior:

The Lord - I believe that He is perfectly kind, merciful, understanding, just, forgiving, patient, loving, all knowing, all seeing, ever present. I believe that he can save even the most wretched soul - but I guess that many times I don't really believe that I am worth saving. I hope to be able to return to Him someday and have Him welcome me home and say, "well done, thou good and faithful servant." I hope to be able to stand and kneel in his presence, even in this life, and know that my life has been acceptable to Him. My actions don't really reflect this belief...I seem to have felt that I have to do this alone, that this isn't of concern to Him, that I keep breaking my promises and vows to Him and therefor I am unworthy of His help and am just a failure - a liar. These attitudes undermine my personal relationship with Him because it demonstrates my lack of faith in Him and my faithlessness in my ability to be truly healed. It hinders my ability to seek answers from Him and even just call on Him for His help.

Rich - I believe that he loves me. I believe that we can be one. I believe that we can be married for eternity and have a love that is wondrous and glorious. Realistically - my behavior prevents true intimacy - the joy, the magic. I am always focused on my appearance and my failure to manage my weight. Because I am ashamed and repulsed by my failure I have a very difficult time feeling that Rich could really be attracted to me and even wonder why he would want to be married to me. I try to demonstrate my love for him by expressing my concern for him and his health - but I fear that is usually in a "motherly" fashion - and I don't seem to feel free enough to just enjoy this beautiful gift because of my intense embarrassment.

My Children, their Spouses, and Grandchildren - I believe that they love me, and even respect me. My behavior undermines these relationships because I am not an example to them. I am unable to work, play, or serve them because I am so obese and out of shape. I hurt too much to do many things that I might be able to. When I was a child I was embarrassed by my Mom's weight. I fear that is probably true for many of them. I am also not convinced that they may discount things that I might say - sort of just thinking I am out of it or I don't know what I am talking about - not taken too seriously. In all reality I fear that they will feel about me like I did about my mom - thinking that her weight was slovenliness, lack of self discipline, and not attractive. I also worry that at times I try to compensate for my weight by appearing to be more knowledgable and wise (a big, fat, know-it-all) - maybe to cover myself and my sins.

My parents, siblings, and friends - these are just an extension of the results from above.

My home, temple, church, callings, service...caring for my home is difficult. Bending, stooping, stretching, climbing, mopping, washing, sorting, etc. are very difficult. Instead of it being a place of serenity and beauty many times I am just not motivated to put in the work because of the pain and extreme tiredness. I am also soooo slow. Going to the temple is difficult and uncomfortable - I worry that I am going to break a chair or seat, that I won't be able to get up, and I can't participate in many of the ordinances because of the physical demands, let alone my embarrassment and self consciousness. These same feelings and frustrations occur at church, in my calling, and even in my ability to render service.

I regularly miss opportunities in travel, special events, shopping, swimming, playing games, meeting people, gardening, and other activities and that is only getting more so as I become more obese and less mobile. "It's not worth the effort" or some other phrase keeps me from trying or I just feel too embarrassed. I don't even really enjoy going to a movie or out to eat because the seats are "small" or there are stairs to climb or long distances to walk or even just people there and I feel self conscious.

Perhaps one of the most difficult things that my behavior is robbing me of is my health. Arthritis, high blood pressure, high blood sugars and cholesterol, edema are all taking their toll. All are aggravated, if not caused, by my addictions. Dr. Smith, my orthopedic dr won't even consider the knee replacements that I need because of the obesity - I am just too high of risk. And because of the obesity I don't work out - it's embarrassing to even walk into a gym and the pain is servere anyway - all the while my meds increase, the effects of the behavior increase and my weight and girth increase. This is a downward spiral.

I truly live in a prison - albeit - one of my own making. I am plotting my escape - now I just need my desire for freedom to grow.