Arrogance, Hypocrisy, Pride

A new thought ocurred this weekend in relationship to my addictions. Our lesson in Relief Society was on forgiveness and a woman sitting next to me shared the thought that when we don't forgive we are, in essence, saying that the Lord's atonement to heal the wounded extends to everyone else but us - He has power to heal everyone but us - we place limits on the Lord's power - and we deny the power of the Lord's atonement to apply to the other individual too.

Instantly I knew that applied to me with my addictions. All these years I have tried to do this alone - with my will power. By not turning to the Lord I have been denying that His power was strong enough to heal me. I have been saying in effect, that my problems were too big for Him or that I was more powerful than Him. I have been saying that I don't need Him. I have also been saying that the atonement applies to everyone but me - especially when I have felt so unworthy of His help. I have been denying the very fact that He already suffered for my sins and addictions...that He already knows how to succor me and I have been saying, "no thanks, I don't need your help!" The arrogance!!! The hypocrisy!!! The pride!!!

I really want to see myself as the Lord sees me, and I believe that He will reveal these things to me like pealing the layers of an onion. I am afraid too. But, I trust that as I faithfully and honestly go through this process the Lord will lead me by the hand to become who I really should be. Unfortunately, I have the idea that these addictions are just the tip of the iceberg!

The Recovery Book asks, "When Nephi felt overwhelmed, in whom did he place his trust? What can you do to place more trust in the Lord?"

Obviously Nephi placed his trust in the Lord. I believe that if every time I am beset with temptation I turn in prayer to Him and acknowledge that He can lead me through my wilderness I will feel His strength and power for preserve me. As that happens I also believe that I will come to feel His love for me, that love that will even consume my flesh and I will become new, whole, complete.

I am also mindful that yesterday was evidence of the Lord's tender mercies being extended to me and enlightening my mind as I struggle to become free from this bondage. I had almost not gone to church. I had fallen in the parking lot of the apartment complex and really banged up my knee again. It hurts terribly and I was really tempted to make a case for just staying home and staying off it. But I decided to go. Truly it was a miracle after the trial of my faith. I can't thank Him enough.

I also can't help but recognize that being where I was supposed to be helped me. Going to church, prayers, fasting, scriptures, service, listening to the promptings and acting on them, etc. all help me to strengthen my faith and remember in whom I am trusting. They all lead back to Him...and He is my Salvation!