Day 1

An old saw says that every journey begins with a first step. Today is my first step - although there have been literally thousands of first steps in my past! LOL I wonder at my my ability to follow through, especially because I have failed so many times before. However, I have to believe the promise in the recovery book: "If you suspect you are addicted and if you feel even the smallest desire to break free, we invite you to join us in studying and applying the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ as they are taught in this guide. We assure you that if you follow this path with a sincere heart, you will find the power you need to recover from addiction. As you apply each of these tweleve principles faithfully, the Savior will strengthen you and you will come to "know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."(John8:32)

Day 1 - Week 1

Measurements (Right) (Left) Weight -350#
Neck 15.75 343.2
Over bust 48
Bust 53.5
Midriff 45
Waist 51
Abdomen 58.5
Hips 56.5
Upper thigh 34 32
Mid thigh 30 29.5
Above knee 27.5 27.5
Knee 24 23.5
Calf 22 21
Ankle 13.5 13
Mid upper arm 16.75 17
Elbow 13 13
Mid forearm 11.5 12
Wrist 8 8

Step 1 Honesty

Key Principle: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

Russel M. Nelson observed, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will" (Ensign, Nov. 1988,7).

"Rarely do people caught in addictive behaviors admit to being addicted. To deny the seriousness of our condition and to avoid detection and the consequences of our choices, we tried to minimize or hide our behaviors."

Boy is this true - I remember a couple of years ago it hit me that I might be addicted to Diet Dr. Pepper. It was a new concept. For years I had told myself that I could quit anytime, that I wasn't addicted. However, I could only go about 1 day without any and then I would find myself rationalizing a drink - it was not uncommon for me to drink 5-64 oz Big Gulps - 320 oz a day - roughly five liters! It was so bad that I even had specific places that I would go to because I liked their Diet fountain better than the others - I would drive to Imperial or would send the kids out for it - never really disclosing how much I had already drunk on any given day - and while I didn't really lie about it - I certainly wasn't forthcoming - a sin of omission, I guess. Moving to Kentucky helped a little, then a move to Colorado just helped it along. I wasn't drinking quite the quantity of El Centro - but it wasn't uncommon for me to have 3 or 4. In fact, everyone in the family would chuckle at the personal relationships that I had built with store personnel where I frequented. I would totally deny the seriousness of my situation - and even justified my drive to these locations because often these same people would abet my addiction by giving me my drink for free! All the while I was beginning to recognize my addiction and even would go for a few weeks at a time without any - but I would succumb for some contrived reason and off I would go - right back to the fountain.

Moving to Tennessee has been better - there isn't a fountain around - but I am still drawn like a moth to a flame. When we were in Utah this past week I certainly knew where to go to get my "fix" and I did it several times - rationalizing that I was only there for a few days and a little bit wouldn't hurt. Monday, after I was finished with the realtor, I went to Chick-fil-a for lunch. I knew they had diet lemonade (and it was sodium and caffeine free) - I also knew that Dr. May had urged me to reduce my sodium intake and have no caffeine - but I still ordered the Diet Dr. Pepper - and went back for four refills! The consequence of extreme bloating was in full evidence yesterday when I went to the Dr. - but I conveniently let my travels to Utah take the blame.

I can't hide the result of the addiction - but I certainly try to hide the addiction.... It is exactly the same with my addiction to food. No one would mistake me for thin....I have to use belt extenders on airplanes, I am afraid to sit down in some chairs, my knees and feet are shot, I won't swim in public, I am embarrassed in front of my husband, my blood pressure, blood sugars, and other problems are beginning to assert themselves in my life, my clothing is dumpy, helping others is almost impossible due to the pain of my movement, getting into a tub is a full production, my orthopedic dr. flat out said my weight was prohibitive to knee surgery, Dr. May has prescribed diet pills...the list goes on and on...all the while I would rather make the arthritis the culprit...even though I will admit that my obesity isn't helping that...I certainly hide some of my eating - yesterday I had 2 bacon egg and cheese biscuits from Hardees and a large diet coke right after seeing Dr. May - my rational was that today I would be starting the diet and I would have one last fling - SICK! I ate it in the car rather than letting anyone know or going in and I threw the bag and cup away rather than let the evidence be found - SICK! And, all day yesterday I tried to "be good" to "atone" for the morning - SICK! And while I had tried to hide my behavior I also was silently trying to conceal my actions if Rich asked - so I was trying to find a way to minimize my actions so that I wouldn't technically lie - SICK!

"We did not realize that by deceiving others and ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions."

I just chronicled that very principle. Isn't that just how Satan works? His veil is not drawn and mine is - he knows me and what I can become. I am still walking by faith and since my veil is drawn I have no idea who I really am and my eternal destiny. There are a couple of scriptures that I love and have great insight to me concerning my condition.

The first is 2 Ne 28:21, "And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well - and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell." Doesn't this just say it all???? I have pacified myself with food and Dr. Pepper - a kind of carnal security - and he is cheating my soul and leading me CAREFULLY down to hell. The spiritual and eternal consequences are obvious - but the hell of today is also very real. It is endless torment. It is despondency. It is endless misery. It is bondage. It is isolation. It is destruction. I am not sure that I have the strength and will power to break free - but I just have a desire to believe that I can - like Alma said. I have to try and I have to have faith that the Lord is a God of His word. I have to believe Alma when he said, "Now ye may suppose that this if foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise. And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls." (Alma 37:6-7). I have to believe that I am one of his great and eternal purposes - I am his beloved daughter afterall. My potential is not unknown to God...He knows my struggles and He knows how to succor me - I just have to have faith in Him and be honest with Him and myself and everyone I come in contact with. I have to believe that each diet Dr. Pepper I do not drink (a small thing) will start breaking the addiction. I have to believe that each mouthful of food that is wisely and purposely chosen will bring about my salvation - eternally - AND right now. I have to believe that by bringing the Lord into my struggle He will lead me, help me, give me strength, and bring me salvation.

Another scripture that I love reminds me of Satan's great capacity to destroy me if I let him. It is found in 2 Ne 9:28-29, "O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! (Karen) When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearkned not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish. But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." It intrigues me that Satan has a plan too. His plan is to destroy me (and all of Heavenly Father's children and His plan). He has no power to do so - other than the power that I give him. But my foolishness, my vanity, my vainness, my wisdom, my arrogance have led me to ignore the counsels of God...I should never have thought I could drink a caffeinated drink...the Lord has counseled against it. I bought the idea that while I was young and not feeling the effects of my obesity I had plenty of time to get the weight off and that I wasn't being affected adversely. I bought Satan's line that I wasn't addicted, I could stop any time, that I had control, I had power. They are all lies. I am in his clutches! I love this from President Monson at his closing remarks in April Conference of this year, " Now, a word of caution to all (Karen) - both young and old, male and female. We live at a time when the adversary is using every means possible to ensnare us in his web of deceit, trying desperately to take us down with him. There are many pathways along which he entices us to go - pathways that can lead to our destruction. Advances in many areas that can be used for good can also be used to speed us along those heinous pathways....My brothers and sisters, involvement in such will literally destroy the spirit. Be strong. Be clean. Avoid such degrading and destructive types of content at all costs- wherever they may be!...And if you have allowed yourself to become involved in this behavior, cease now. Seek the help you need to overcome and to change the direction of your life. Take the steps necessary to get back on the strait and narrow, and then stay there. May we say, with Joshua of old, 'Choose you this day whom ye will serve;...but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." This moment, today, I choose the Lord. Now, my plan is that when I feel tempted I will turn to Him in prayer.