Freedom

This is meant to chronicle my journey to freedom. Some would query the use of this word, arguing that I am truly free already - I live in the freest country in the world, at a time in the history of the world that affords rights and privileges to women rarely known to my ancestors. However, I have been cumbered about and enslaved by my own choices and decisions which have left me morbidly obese, physically disabled, emotionally anxious and frustrated, spiritually bereft, fearful, and discouraged.

I am under no illusions about the speed or course of my recovery. I know it will be bumpy and I know it will have highs and lows. I also know that this will probably take years to accomplish - and I am not even sure that I have faith enough to hope that I can win the battle.

I injured my achilles tendon in April of 2008, tore my miniscus in October of 2008, and moved to Oak Ridge, Tennessee in December of 2008. For Christmas of 2008 Rich and I returned to Denver to celebrate it with our daughter, Felicia and our other daughter, Desiree and her family. In January of 2009 I flew to Oklahoma to pick up my daughter, Cherstin, with her two little ones, and bring them home to Tennessee. In February Cherstin and I traveled back to Oklahoma, then on to Colorado and Utah, then to Tucson, Arizona and back through Oklahoma and finally home. In March Cherstin and I traveled to Wisconsin and back. In April we traveled with Rich to Georgia and Florida. In late April we traveled to South Carolina. And finally, in May I travelled back to Oklahoma to take Cherstin home. In the middle of May Rich and I travelled to Chicago and up to Wisconsin. The first week of June we flew back to Utah and home again. I recount these travels to note that life has had a kind of ebb and flow of its own and to also note that my weight has burgeoned from 295 to an all time high of 350 as of today. In many ways I have hit rock bottom.

My life has also been complicated by the knee injuries and by my feet. However, I am finally taking some kind of control and even responsibility.

I have met with an orthopedic doctor about my knees and find that they are shot - the only thing that will provide permenant relief are total knee replacements. However, the bad news is that I am too heavy for the doctors to consider that a safe option and I am also younger than they like to do. The good news is that if I can get the weight off (with 4 lbs of pressure for each lb of excess weight) it would take off 800 lbs of pressure - and that would potentially give me great relief and possibly defer the need of the replacements until later in my life - and make it safer in the event that I need them. What freedom that would be!

I have also met with three different podiatrists and have finally decided to have my great toes replaced. That surgery will start with my left foot, followed by my right foot three weeks later. I am hopeful that this will aid my my ability to walk and move about in a less painful manner and thus improve my exercise prospects.

Finally, two weeks ago I met with my primary care physician about my desire to lose weight and get healthy. She ran an entire blood panel and had me return this morning. She found my thyroid is okay, kidney and liver functions okay, vitamin D level VERY LOW, but most everything okay. So, she has given me prescription levels of Vitamin D for two months, a water pill, potassium pill, a blood pressure med, and a diet drug. She has also recommended a low sodium diet and a weight loss program such as weight watchers or curves. I need to return in two weeks for a blood pressure check - and follow up in three months. None of this is without potential difficulty but my morbid obesity outweighs those risks - I NEED to get this under control.

When we were in Utah over the weekend Rich and I went to the Distribution Center. There I found a workbook from LDS Family Services called, A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing. I am under physician's care for the physical problems caused by my addiction to food and now I have a valuable tool in my spiritual and emotional arsenal to help me recover. I am frightened and hopeful - all at once. It is my plan to blog my journey here - each and every aspect. It is my journey to freedom.