Preoccupation with Unworthy Behavior

The Recovery Book quotes Boyd K. Packer, "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel" ( Ens, Nov. 1986, 17).

I have loved this statement for many years - but this is the first time that I have considered the fact that preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. I'm not quite sure what to do with this thought - it seems so self evident - but how do I really overcome the addictions without thinking about them???

I am going to have to put this cunumdrum in the hands of the Lord and trust that this is His program and work through it the best I can, believing that this will help end my preoccupation - even though I don't understand it all. So here goes.

The Recover Book quotes 2 Ne. 4:18-21
"I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

"And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in who I have trusted.

"My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

"He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh."

It then asks the question: Do you feel encompassed or trapped? When do you feel this way most often?

I'm not sure that I feel so encompassed by the temptations that beset me - perhaps the newness of the idea that I am addicted has me not able to focus on this or because I really haven't done the mental work to see the temptations and call them such - except to say that I have often said that food is necessary to live, I need to eat, it surrounds me and yet it is the very thing that I need to tame. Hmmmmm. I guess - when I am on the road or bored at home or late afternoon. What comes to my mind was this past Tuesday, after my dr appt. I knew where the Hardees was in Clinton and I didn't seem to be able to resist the urge, need, or compulsion to go there for some bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits. Or the fact that one of the first things I did when we touched down in SL was to have a milkshake at Iceberg, or go out and have a huge, 64 oz diet Dr. Pepper. All of these were ocassions that I was on the road, unplanned, and very rationalized. What is the draw? What is the payoff? I am not sure. Ironically the Hardees trip really did have a feel of sneaking something that I knew I shouldn't, I didn't want to get caught, I wanted anonymity. The Iceberg and Dr. Pepper trips occurred when Rich was with me and I wanted him to endulge - to blow it - his resolve seemed to be a reminder of my weakness, even to the point of annoyance or irritation. Hmmmmm.

I think there must still be some denial in my thinking. It seems I really want to deny that I am encompassed about with temptations.

Do I feel trapped by my temptations? Perhaps. When these temptations come I don't seem to have much will power to escape them and the mind games that I play continue to plague my thinking...perhaps that is one way that I can use Pres. Packer's counsel about preoccupation - maybe I need to find a way to occupy my mind with other things until the temptation passes. One of the things that he has suggested in the past, when facing temptation, is to hum a favorite hymn. I am going to employ that by humming "I Am a Child of God" and saying a prayer for the Lord's power to withstand the temptation and my convoluted thinking.

The thing I worry about is the fact that my resolve is high now - but as time goes on my thinking becomes rather fuzzy and I talk myself out of my course of action and into the addictions. I guess that means I really do have to turn to the Lord - I haven't been successful in overcoming this behavior on my own - so I need to take the Lord at His word in Romans 8. Now I need to do my part.

The last part of Nephi's lament from the quote seems to be the blessings attendent to turning to the Lord - that He is able to lead us through the wilderness and the depths of our personal struggles. He will support me and He will fill me with His love and consume my flesh. That "consuming flesh" idea says to me that I am carnal, I do the things of the flesh, and to be carnally minded really is death. But the Lord has the power to quicken this mortal body when His spirit dwells in me....When I focus on Him, keep His commandments, fill my thoughts with Him, and serve Him He will consume my carnal flesh and mind and I will become new, His.

Romans 8:13 "For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live." So - with the Spirit I can put to death or subdue the deeds of my body. In essence, I can become free from the addictions and I can become the beloved daughter of God that I should be. What a wonderful thought.