Weigh-In

Neck 15.5 - 0 change
U Arms 16 / 15.5 - 0 change
Elbows 12.75 / 12.75 - .5+
Forearms 10.75 / 11.5 - .25 loss
Wrist 7.75 / 8 - .25 loss
Over Bust 45 - 1.5 loss
Bust 52 - 0 Change
Midriff 42.75 - 1.25 loss
Waist 50.5 - .5 loss
Abdomen 56.25 - .5+
Hips 54.5 - 1.0 loss
U Thigh 32.75 / 31.5 - .75 loss
Mid thigh 28.5 / 28 - 1.0 loss
Lower thigh 26.5 / 25.75 - .25+
Knee 23.5 / 22.5 - .25+
Calf 19.25 / 18 - 1.5 loss
Ankles 12.75 / 12 - .25 +

Net loss - 6.25
Loss to date - 33.75

Weight - 321 - 2# loss
Weight loss to date - 28.6

Weigh-In

Neck 15.5 - .25 loss
Over Bust 46.5 - .5 loss
Bust 52 - 1.0 loss
Midriff 44 - .25 loss
Waist 51 - no loss
Abdomen 55.75 - no loss
Hips 55.5 - no loss
U Thigh 33.5 / 31.5 1.00 loss
M Thigh 29 / 28.5 1.25 loss
L Thigh 26.5 / 25.5 .5 loss
Knees 23 / 22.75 .75 loss
Calf 19.5 / 19.25 .75 loss
Ankle 12 / 12.5 no loss
U Arm 16 / 15.5 1.5 loss
Elbow 12.5 / 12.5 1.0 loss
Forearm 11 / 11.5 1.25 loss
Wrist 8 / 8 no loss

Total inches lost this measurement - 10.50!!!!
Total Overall - 27.50!!!!

Weight - 323.4 - down 8.4# from last weigh-in
Total weight loss to date - 26.6 #

Honesty

"Some may regard the quality of character known as honesty to be a most ordinary subject. But, I believe it to be the very essence of the gospel. Without honesty, our lives...will degenerate into ugliness and chaos" (Gordon B. Hinckley, "We Believe in Being Honest," Ensign, Oct. 1990,2).

The Recovery Book asks, "Write about ways you have lied and attempted to hide your addiction from yourself and others. How has this behavior caused "ugliness and chaos"?

How Have I Lied and Attempted to Hide My Addictions?
1. Hidden food - i.e. frosting bowls beneath my bed, candy bars in quantity eaten and trashed wrappers before anyone could see, fast food stops eaten in the car and wrappers trashed.
2. Quanitity - i.e. letting the numbers of our household seem responsible for eating the pan of brownies, the ice cream, the loaf of bread, the last of the lasagna. Or sneaking the chocolate macadamia caramel clusters, or the ice cream cones.
3. No eating in public or smaller portions than I would normally consume

This behavior has led to my morbid obesity, my hypertension, my joints disintegrating, my lack of self esteem, my not liking to shop for clothes, not dressing well, for my feeling of worry that I'll have to explain my gluttony, money problems, continued feelings that I can delay the consequences of my behavior as long as I don't get caught.

In Whom I Trust

Yesterday I went to have the registering and pretesting done for my surgery on Friday. I learned that I couldn't take my phentermine for the next week and it really seemed to throw me. Rich and I went out for lunch afterward and things seemed fine but when I got home I ate a two ounce portion of pecans, then not feeling satisfied I ate 2 blue bunny drumsticks. Then we had dinner late and I ate a huge portion of taco salad - filled I am sure with sodium because of the taco seasoning, olives, cheese, canned beans, and salad dressing. I knew all along what I was doing and instead of doing what I had planned to do I went ahead and ate the drumsticks and everything else - it was purely emotion driving the decisions. I was truly out of control. I felt like, "what's the use?" However, this morning the thought came to me that I was putting more trust in a stupid pill than in the Lord. I am ashamed to admit that but it certainly is true. How did I let what I believe the power of a little pill was supplant the power of the Lord?

As I ask myself that question the thought occurs that I really don't feel worthy of the Lord's help and so I don't turn to Him. Who gave me that thought? I think of the counsel of Nephi in 2 Nephi 32:3, 8-9 when Nephi says, " And now, Karen, I perceive that ye ponder still in your heart; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing. For IF ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray ye would know that ye MUST pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray.
"But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the FIRST PLACE ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that He will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.
"Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will TELL you all things that ye should do."

Obviously Satan desires to stop me from turning to the Lord and obviously he would rather have me self destruct. He knows exactly how to tempt me and I didn't see it for what it was. I am so sorry for my weakness and how my eyes were closed - I am hoping that I am learning for the next time. It goes to show my lack of faith. But, I can turn to Him now and trust in His power to heal me - not the pill.

Hunger and Thirst

"Blessed are they which do huger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled" (Matthew 5:6).

"And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty pryaer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens" (Enos 1:4).

The Recovery Book asks, "In these two scriptures, we learn that our souls can hunger. Do you ever feel empty inside, even when you are not physically hungry? What causes that emptiness?"

I guess I do. Definitely when I am bored. When I am waiting for Rich. When I am worrying about Rich. When I am afraid. When I am not acting on a goal or activity or direction that I want or know I should be doing. When I am worrying about me. When I haven't been praying or reading my scriptures.

The Recovery Book asks, "How can your hunger for things of the Spirit help you be more honest?"

I love the idea of thirsting and hungering for the Spirit. At the present time I am taking a medication to help me in my weight loss journey and to help with the edema I have been suffering with. This medication has a side effect of a dry mouth - in essence I am thirsty. I drink and drink and drink to satisfy this thirst. And, experts say that by the time you are thirsty your body is already dehydrated. You are behind the power curve as your body wouldn't have gotten so thirsty if you had been hydrating all along. On the other hand - I have loved diet Dr. Pepper for a very long time - and drank copious amounts a day - 300 oz a day even - but there were times I still wanted water.

When I am not searching the scriptures and saying my prayers my soul is beginning to dehydrate. A long drought can lead to serious, life threatening problems. And, ironically, by the time I recognize the thrist for the Spirit I have been dehydrated for a while. I can fill my soul with other things that are considered hydrating but in reality the Living Water is still missing and I need it to live.

A result of hungering and thirsting for things of the spirit is greater honesty. I believe, like Mark Twain once said, it is impossible to pray a lie. I guess you can still lie but what's the point???? As I pray my mind clears more effectively and I am more honest about my role in my problems. I am able to focus honestly on my worries and concerns, my fears and my powerlessness. I am more able to recognize, by the spirit, stumbling blocks that impede my progress in returning to my Heavenly Father and overcoming my addictions. I also think that I am more likely to listen to and recognize the Spirit in helping me find answers to my prayers. And, perhaps the most important thing that happens is that I begin to recognize that I am powerless to do this alone and that I need to have the Lord's power, I need to put my life in harmony with His so that I am worthy for his power to heal me. I am better able to see me as I am, not as I tell myself I am, but the way the Lord sees me.

The Lord actually says He hates a LIAR. A liar is impossible to help. True progression is stopped. When I am honest I am not trying to "cover" my sins or pretend that I am something I am not. But, by honestly admitting who I really am (a beloved daughter of my Father in Heaven) I am also compelled to recognize behaviors that are not in harmony with who I am. And, as I have learned to be more honest I am learning how the power of the atonement can actually help me overcome the addictions and other behaviors that have kept me from being one with my Father in Heaven.

"Hungering and thirsting after righteousness." I think in a very real way that is simply wanting, searching, seeking, loving, and needing Heavenly Father over anyone or anything else. He is Righteousness. Righteousness is His name. When I am living in a way that places my will in subjection to His, as His Son did so beautifully, then I do what He did, love what He loves, hate what He hates, become as He is. I will also have His power come into my life to heal me and to fight my battles. And, he will lead me by the hand, to teach me, open my eyes, and bless me.

Week One Progress

Weight - 331.8 - down 18.2 pounds!!!!!!!
Neck - 15 3/4 - no change
Above Bust 47 - 1" loss
Bust - 53.5 - no change
Midriff - 44.25 - .75 loss
Waist - 51 - no change
Abdomen - 55.75 - 2.75 loss
Hips - 55 - 1.5 loss
Upper Arms - 16.5 / 16.5 - .75 loss
Elbows - 13 / 13 - no change
Forearm - 11.5 / 11.75 - .25 loss
Wrists - 8 / 8 - no change
Upper thighs - 34 / 32 - no change
Mid thighs - 30 / 28.75 - .75 loss
Low thighs - 27 / 25.5 - 2.5 loss
Knees - 23.5 / 23 - 1" loss
Calf - 20.25 / 19.25 - 3.5 loss
Ankles - 12 / 12.25 - 2.25 loss

Total inches lost this week: 17 inches!!!!!

I have no doubt that most of this - probably 98% is water - the edema I was experiencing was awful. But - I am thrilled with the weight loss and the inches gone - and hopefully I will never see these numbers again.

"I Know That Man Is Nothing"

Moses 1:10 "It came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed"

The Recovery Book asks, "How did Moses describe himself as compared to God?"

In the few verses preceding vs 10 the Lord reveals himself to Moses and tells him that, "thou art my son," "And I have a work for thee, Moses, my son," "And now, behold, this one thing I show unto thee, Moses, my son," - three times the Lord declares that Moses is His son. But, in comparing himself to God Moses learns that he is "nothing."

William is only 4 days old, and in comparison to Philip he is "nothing." He can't feed himself, warm himself, bathe himself, run, walk - the only thing he can really do is cry. Philip is VERY powerful in comparison to William - he has mastered his body, works, plays, reasons, learns, has wisdom and knowledge that is unknown to William. Philip can care for him, discipline him, help him, provide safety and security, teach him, love him. We, as parents, learn much about Heavenly Father's work by performing that similar role for our children, on a much, much, smaller scale. But when we place ourselves in the role of Heavenly Father's child we realize, as did Moses, that we too are nothing.

When I consider that the Savior himself has pled with us to become as a little child, and King Benjamin elaborated on some of those qualities (submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things that the Lord sees fit to inflict even as a child doth submit to his father) I must admit that many time I am the antithesis of a child. How many times have I done things my own way, not even consulting the Lord? How many times have I consulted Him and then still done them my own way? And, when things have gone badly or I have not gotten my way I have acted like a child and cried. How many times have I tried to lose weight and leave Dr. Pepper alone on my own power or with my own understanding? How many times have I, in my arrogance, thought: I can do it - I don't need any help? How many times have I not understood the process of the atonement and not utilized its' great healing power because I didn't value it or recognize its' power? Have I not been, in essence, saying, "I am more powerful than God?" That certainly seems to be the case - I have not be humble or submissive. In fact - there have been times when I have not been full of love - rather full of judgment and condemnation (especially to my poor mother) because I had all the answers - just follow me - get up and move, yada, yada, yade. I can only beg her forgiveness and forgiveness from my Father in Heaven. He is merciful and I pray that with sincere repentance He will forgive me. My mother is the most forgiving woman that I know and I long to rush into her arms and beg her forgiveness and tell her how much I love her. At the moment I pray that my Father in Heaven will relay that message to her. And, I can try to become as a child, try to develop these attributes, and have faith that as a beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father He will help me become who I should be. I feel such sadness that it has taken me this long to recognize my nothingness.

The Recovery Book asks, "In what ways are you nothing when you do not have the help of God?"

When I consider the power, authority, knowledge, understanding, vision, experience, etc. of the Lord I know that I am unable to fathom them in the slightest. What kind of power must He have to create worlds without number? What kinds of knowledge must He have to create animals and vegitation? What kind of wisdom and foresight must He have in order to develop and implement the plan of salvation? What love must He have to have given me His Son as my Savior?

It only follows that without His help I am nothing.

He has provided everything that I have, everything that I am, and everything I need. I don't even think I can get my mind around that concept. My puny, finite mind can't even conceive, I fear, what that entails. And, when I think what has happened to individuals, groups, nations, and the entire world when they have completely turned their backs on the Lord, become evil, proud, and their hearts could not be softened I recognize that the Lord has the power, knowledge, understanding, authority, foresight, and ability to bring about our destruction.

However, without the Lord's help, I am more than confident in my own ability to bring about my own destruction. My weight, my addictions, my self righteousness, my arrogance, my pride, my spending, my laziness, etc. are all my own doing. These things have brought me where I am today. I did this to myself. The Lord is the only one who has the power to help me out of a mess that I created for myself. I pray for His mercy. I pray for His forgiveness. I pray for His strength to make me whole.

The Recovery Book asks, "In what ways are you of infinite worth?"

Other than His child, I don't know. I know that I love my own children with a love that is overwhelming and complete. I know that I recognize within them potential that has not as yet been met. In comparing me to my Father in Heaven I would assure the same would apply.

I see that as I turn to the Lord I can apply the atonement and become clean and healed. In so doing I become eligible for all the blessings of the Celestial Kindgom - a queen, a priestess to the most Hight God. I would become as my Father in Heaven is now - able to become a God - a God in embryo. This potential spans eternity and is of infinite worth. It makes my decisions here so important - and reminds me what is at stake. Will I allow a diet Dr. Pepper to keep me from who I can be? Will I continue in my arrogance rather than seeking the Lord's help, the Lord who knows all things and has all power, will I not utilize it or esteem it not? Will I quit doing the work required to peel back the onion or will I seek His face? I pray not.

Arrogance, Hypocrisy, Pride

A new thought ocurred this weekend in relationship to my addictions. Our lesson in Relief Society was on forgiveness and a woman sitting next to me shared the thought that when we don't forgive we are, in essence, saying that the Lord's atonement to heal the wounded extends to everyone else but us - He has power to heal everyone but us - we place limits on the Lord's power - and we deny the power of the Lord's atonement to apply to the other individual too.

Instantly I knew that applied to me with my addictions. All these years I have tried to do this alone - with my will power. By not turning to the Lord I have been denying that His power was strong enough to heal me. I have been saying in effect, that my problems were too big for Him or that I was more powerful than Him. I have been saying that I don't need Him. I have also been saying that the atonement applies to everyone but me - especially when I have felt so unworthy of His help. I have been denying the very fact that He already suffered for my sins and addictions...that He already knows how to succor me and I have been saying, "no thanks, I don't need your help!" The arrogance!!! The hypocrisy!!! The pride!!!

I really want to see myself as the Lord sees me, and I believe that He will reveal these things to me like pealing the layers of an onion. I am afraid too. But, I trust that as I faithfully and honestly go through this process the Lord will lead me by the hand to become who I really should be. Unfortunately, I have the idea that these addictions are just the tip of the iceberg!

The Recovery Book asks, "When Nephi felt overwhelmed, in whom did he place his trust? What can you do to place more trust in the Lord?"

Obviously Nephi placed his trust in the Lord. I believe that if every time I am beset with temptation I turn in prayer to Him and acknowledge that He can lead me through my wilderness I will feel His strength and power for preserve me. As that happens I also believe that I will come to feel His love for me, that love that will even consume my flesh and I will become new, whole, complete.

I am also mindful that yesterday was evidence of the Lord's tender mercies being extended to me and enlightening my mind as I struggle to become free from this bondage. I had almost not gone to church. I had fallen in the parking lot of the apartment complex and really banged up my knee again. It hurts terribly and I was really tempted to make a case for just staying home and staying off it. But I decided to go. Truly it was a miracle after the trial of my faith. I can't thank Him enough.

I also can't help but recognize that being where I was supposed to be helped me. Going to church, prayers, fasting, scriptures, service, listening to the promptings and acting on them, etc. all help me to strengthen my faith and remember in whom I am trusting. They all lead back to Him...and He is my Salvation!

Preoccupation with Unworthy Behavior

The Recovery Book quotes Boyd K. Packer, "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel" ( Ens, Nov. 1986, 17).

I have loved this statement for many years - but this is the first time that I have considered the fact that preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. I'm not quite sure what to do with this thought - it seems so self evident - but how do I really overcome the addictions without thinking about them???

I am going to have to put this cunumdrum in the hands of the Lord and trust that this is His program and work through it the best I can, believing that this will help end my preoccupation - even though I don't understand it all. So here goes.

The Recover Book quotes 2 Ne. 4:18-21
"I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

"And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in who I have trusted.

"My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

"He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh."

It then asks the question: Do you feel encompassed or trapped? When do you feel this way most often?

I'm not sure that I feel so encompassed by the temptations that beset me - perhaps the newness of the idea that I am addicted has me not able to focus on this or because I really haven't done the mental work to see the temptations and call them such - except to say that I have often said that food is necessary to live, I need to eat, it surrounds me and yet it is the very thing that I need to tame. Hmmmmm. I guess - when I am on the road or bored at home or late afternoon. What comes to my mind was this past Tuesday, after my dr appt. I knew where the Hardees was in Clinton and I didn't seem to be able to resist the urge, need, or compulsion to go there for some bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits. Or the fact that one of the first things I did when we touched down in SL was to have a milkshake at Iceberg, or go out and have a huge, 64 oz diet Dr. Pepper. All of these were ocassions that I was on the road, unplanned, and very rationalized. What is the draw? What is the payoff? I am not sure. Ironically the Hardees trip really did have a feel of sneaking something that I knew I shouldn't, I didn't want to get caught, I wanted anonymity. The Iceberg and Dr. Pepper trips occurred when Rich was with me and I wanted him to endulge - to blow it - his resolve seemed to be a reminder of my weakness, even to the point of annoyance or irritation. Hmmmmm.

I think there must still be some denial in my thinking. It seems I really want to deny that I am encompassed about with temptations.

Do I feel trapped by my temptations? Perhaps. When these temptations come I don't seem to have much will power to escape them and the mind games that I play continue to plague my thinking...perhaps that is one way that I can use Pres. Packer's counsel about preoccupation - maybe I need to find a way to occupy my mind with other things until the temptation passes. One of the things that he has suggested in the past, when facing temptation, is to hum a favorite hymn. I am going to employ that by humming "I Am a Child of God" and saying a prayer for the Lord's power to withstand the temptation and my convoluted thinking.

The thing I worry about is the fact that my resolve is high now - but as time goes on my thinking becomes rather fuzzy and I talk myself out of my course of action and into the addictions. I guess that means I really do have to turn to the Lord - I haven't been successful in overcoming this behavior on my own - so I need to take the Lord at His word in Romans 8. Now I need to do my part.

The last part of Nephi's lament from the quote seems to be the blessings attendent to turning to the Lord - that He is able to lead us through the wilderness and the depths of our personal struggles. He will support me and He will fill me with His love and consume my flesh. That "consuming flesh" idea says to me that I am carnal, I do the things of the flesh, and to be carnally minded really is death. But the Lord has the power to quicken this mortal body when His spirit dwells in me....When I focus on Him, keep His commandments, fill my thoughts with Him, and serve Him He will consume my carnal flesh and mind and I will become new, His.

Romans 8:13 "For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live." So - with the Spirit I can put to death or subdue the deeds of my body. In essence, I can become free from the addictions and I can become the beloved daughter of God that I should be. What a wonderful thought.

William

Phil called this morning and let us know that William is here and he and mom are doing well. William weighed in at an impressive 11 lb. 2 oz and 21 1/2 inches long. It is a blessing that he came early as he proabably would have been much larger in another week and a half. I am grateful that he is here and that all is well.

His birth has me thinking about the wonder of grandchildren and my role as a grandmother. He is #18 and I worry that I won't have the time or the physical ability to keep up with him and his cousins. I also worry about the example I am setting for them. All of them gives me the impetus to get a handle on my addictions - and I guess that really isn't what I want - I don't really want to "control" the addictions - I want to be healed from them - never to return to them. I want to break these bands of slavery and become my best self. While I know that I can never return to the health that I would have had had I not become addicted I also know that I can maximize what I do have - as long as I work at it.

In the Recovery Book it states, "When we honestly looked at the past, we admitted that nothing we had tried on our own had worked. We acknowledged that the addiction had only gotten worse. We realized how much our addictions had damaged relationships and robbed us of any sense of worth. At this point, we took the first step toward freedom and recovery by finding courage to admit that we were not just dealing with a problem or a bad habit. We finally admitted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable and that we needed help to overcome our addictions. The amazing thing about this honest realization of defeat was that recovery finally began."

Alma 26:11-12 states that in God's strength we can do all things - I marvel at my arrogance. For many, many years I have tried to do this alone. I'm not much different from those who think they can stop global warning or save the world - their arrogance has been so amazing to me because I have just shaken my head in wonder that they seem to think they have the power to stop anything that God decrees. But, in contrast, while they have denied His power to override their efforts I have denied that His power could save me - because I haven't called upon Him - haven't believed or had the faith to rely on Him - or even to consider that I had so little power to overcome these very real problems on my own.

The Recovery Book also states that, "The only requirement to begin recovery is the desire to stop participating in the addiction. If your desire is small and inconsistent today, don't worry. It will grow!" Boy, I sure hope that is true!

The Recovery Book urges me to list what is important to me, so here goes:

The Lord, my husband, my children, their spouses, my grandchildren, my parents and siblings and their families, friends.
My home, the temple, church, church callings, visiting teaching, a mission, service.
Walking, running, swimming, shopping, good health, climbing stairs, sewing, cooking, going anywhere in public.
My country, attending special events, travel, gardening, genealogy, sexual intimacy, clothes, self respect, holidays, playing games, cooking.

The Recovery Book then urges me to look for contradictions between what I believe in and hope for and my behavior:

The Lord - I believe that He is perfectly kind, merciful, understanding, just, forgiving, patient, loving, all knowing, all seeing, ever present. I believe that he can save even the most wretched soul - but I guess that many times I don't really believe that I am worth saving. I hope to be able to return to Him someday and have Him welcome me home and say, "well done, thou good and faithful servant." I hope to be able to stand and kneel in his presence, even in this life, and know that my life has been acceptable to Him. My actions don't really reflect this belief...I seem to have felt that I have to do this alone, that this isn't of concern to Him, that I keep breaking my promises and vows to Him and therefor I am unworthy of His help and am just a failure - a liar. These attitudes undermine my personal relationship with Him because it demonstrates my lack of faith in Him and my faithlessness in my ability to be truly healed. It hinders my ability to seek answers from Him and even just call on Him for His help.

Rich - I believe that he loves me. I believe that we can be one. I believe that we can be married for eternity and have a love that is wondrous and glorious. Realistically - my behavior prevents true intimacy - the joy, the magic. I am always focused on my appearance and my failure to manage my weight. Because I am ashamed and repulsed by my failure I have a very difficult time feeling that Rich could really be attracted to me and even wonder why he would want to be married to me. I try to demonstrate my love for him by expressing my concern for him and his health - but I fear that is usually in a "motherly" fashion - and I don't seem to feel free enough to just enjoy this beautiful gift because of my intense embarrassment.

My Children, their Spouses, and Grandchildren - I believe that they love me, and even respect me. My behavior undermines these relationships because I am not an example to them. I am unable to work, play, or serve them because I am so obese and out of shape. I hurt too much to do many things that I might be able to. When I was a child I was embarrassed by my Mom's weight. I fear that is probably true for many of them. I am also not convinced that they may discount things that I might say - sort of just thinking I am out of it or I don't know what I am talking about - not taken too seriously. In all reality I fear that they will feel about me like I did about my mom - thinking that her weight was slovenliness, lack of self discipline, and not attractive. I also worry that at times I try to compensate for my weight by appearing to be more knowledgable and wise (a big, fat, know-it-all) - maybe to cover myself and my sins.

My parents, siblings, and friends - these are just an extension of the results from above.

My home, temple, church, callings, service...caring for my home is difficult. Bending, stooping, stretching, climbing, mopping, washing, sorting, etc. are very difficult. Instead of it being a place of serenity and beauty many times I am just not motivated to put in the work because of the pain and extreme tiredness. I am also soooo slow. Going to the temple is difficult and uncomfortable - I worry that I am going to break a chair or seat, that I won't be able to get up, and I can't participate in many of the ordinances because of the physical demands, let alone my embarrassment and self consciousness. These same feelings and frustrations occur at church, in my calling, and even in my ability to render service.

I regularly miss opportunities in travel, special events, shopping, swimming, playing games, meeting people, gardening, and other activities and that is only getting more so as I become more obese and less mobile. "It's not worth the effort" or some other phrase keeps me from trying or I just feel too embarrassed. I don't even really enjoy going to a movie or out to eat because the seats are "small" or there are stairs to climb or long distances to walk or even just people there and I feel self conscious.

Perhaps one of the most difficult things that my behavior is robbing me of is my health. Arthritis, high blood pressure, high blood sugars and cholesterol, edema are all taking their toll. All are aggravated, if not caused, by my addictions. Dr. Smith, my orthopedic dr won't even consider the knee replacements that I need because of the obesity - I am just too high of risk. And because of the obesity I don't work out - it's embarrassing to even walk into a gym and the pain is servere anyway - all the while my meds increase, the effects of the behavior increase and my weight and girth increase. This is a downward spiral.

I truly live in a prison - albeit - one of my own making. I am plotting my escape - now I just need my desire for freedom to grow.

Baby Bainbridge

Hannah is in labor! That is wonderful news. She has been so big and the baby is also huge. I am praying that everythings goes well. She has been in labor since about 9 p.m. last night...so I am hoping that everything is going well.

Day 1

An old saw says that every journey begins with a first step. Today is my first step - although there have been literally thousands of first steps in my past! LOL I wonder at my my ability to follow through, especially because I have failed so many times before. However, I have to believe the promise in the recovery book: "If you suspect you are addicted and if you feel even the smallest desire to break free, we invite you to join us in studying and applying the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ as they are taught in this guide. We assure you that if you follow this path with a sincere heart, you will find the power you need to recover from addiction. As you apply each of these tweleve principles faithfully, the Savior will strengthen you and you will come to "know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."(John8:32)

Day 1 - Week 1

Measurements (Right) (Left) Weight -350#
Neck 15.75 343.2
Over bust 48
Bust 53.5
Midriff 45
Waist 51
Abdomen 58.5
Hips 56.5
Upper thigh 34 32
Mid thigh 30 29.5
Above knee 27.5 27.5
Knee 24 23.5
Calf 22 21
Ankle 13.5 13
Mid upper arm 16.75 17
Elbow 13 13
Mid forearm 11.5 12
Wrist 8 8

Step 1 Honesty

Key Principle: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

Russel M. Nelson observed, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will" (Ensign, Nov. 1988,7).

"Rarely do people caught in addictive behaviors admit to being addicted. To deny the seriousness of our condition and to avoid detection and the consequences of our choices, we tried to minimize or hide our behaviors."

Boy is this true - I remember a couple of years ago it hit me that I might be addicted to Diet Dr. Pepper. It was a new concept. For years I had told myself that I could quit anytime, that I wasn't addicted. However, I could only go about 1 day without any and then I would find myself rationalizing a drink - it was not uncommon for me to drink 5-64 oz Big Gulps - 320 oz a day - roughly five liters! It was so bad that I even had specific places that I would go to because I liked their Diet fountain better than the others - I would drive to Imperial or would send the kids out for it - never really disclosing how much I had already drunk on any given day - and while I didn't really lie about it - I certainly wasn't forthcoming - a sin of omission, I guess. Moving to Kentucky helped a little, then a move to Colorado just helped it along. I wasn't drinking quite the quantity of El Centro - but it wasn't uncommon for me to have 3 or 4. In fact, everyone in the family would chuckle at the personal relationships that I had built with store personnel where I frequented. I would totally deny the seriousness of my situation - and even justified my drive to these locations because often these same people would abet my addiction by giving me my drink for free! All the while I was beginning to recognize my addiction and even would go for a few weeks at a time without any - but I would succumb for some contrived reason and off I would go - right back to the fountain.

Moving to Tennessee has been better - there isn't a fountain around - but I am still drawn like a moth to a flame. When we were in Utah this past week I certainly knew where to go to get my "fix" and I did it several times - rationalizing that I was only there for a few days and a little bit wouldn't hurt. Monday, after I was finished with the realtor, I went to Chick-fil-a for lunch. I knew they had diet lemonade (and it was sodium and caffeine free) - I also knew that Dr. May had urged me to reduce my sodium intake and have no caffeine - but I still ordered the Diet Dr. Pepper - and went back for four refills! The consequence of extreme bloating was in full evidence yesterday when I went to the Dr. - but I conveniently let my travels to Utah take the blame.

I can't hide the result of the addiction - but I certainly try to hide the addiction.... It is exactly the same with my addiction to food. No one would mistake me for thin....I have to use belt extenders on airplanes, I am afraid to sit down in some chairs, my knees and feet are shot, I won't swim in public, I am embarrassed in front of my husband, my blood pressure, blood sugars, and other problems are beginning to assert themselves in my life, my clothing is dumpy, helping others is almost impossible due to the pain of my movement, getting into a tub is a full production, my orthopedic dr. flat out said my weight was prohibitive to knee surgery, Dr. May has prescribed diet pills...the list goes on and on...all the while I would rather make the arthritis the culprit...even though I will admit that my obesity isn't helping that...I certainly hide some of my eating - yesterday I had 2 bacon egg and cheese biscuits from Hardees and a large diet coke right after seeing Dr. May - my rational was that today I would be starting the diet and I would have one last fling - SICK! I ate it in the car rather than letting anyone know or going in and I threw the bag and cup away rather than let the evidence be found - SICK! And, all day yesterday I tried to "be good" to "atone" for the morning - SICK! And while I had tried to hide my behavior I also was silently trying to conceal my actions if Rich asked - so I was trying to find a way to minimize my actions so that I wouldn't technically lie - SICK!

"We did not realize that by deceiving others and ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions."

I just chronicled that very principle. Isn't that just how Satan works? His veil is not drawn and mine is - he knows me and what I can become. I am still walking by faith and since my veil is drawn I have no idea who I really am and my eternal destiny. There are a couple of scriptures that I love and have great insight to me concerning my condition.

The first is 2 Ne 28:21, "And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well - and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell." Doesn't this just say it all???? I have pacified myself with food and Dr. Pepper - a kind of carnal security - and he is cheating my soul and leading me CAREFULLY down to hell. The spiritual and eternal consequences are obvious - but the hell of today is also very real. It is endless torment. It is despondency. It is endless misery. It is bondage. It is isolation. It is destruction. I am not sure that I have the strength and will power to break free - but I just have a desire to believe that I can - like Alma said. I have to try and I have to have faith that the Lord is a God of His word. I have to believe Alma when he said, "Now ye may suppose that this if foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise. And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls." (Alma 37:6-7). I have to believe that I am one of his great and eternal purposes - I am his beloved daughter afterall. My potential is not unknown to God...He knows my struggles and He knows how to succor me - I just have to have faith in Him and be honest with Him and myself and everyone I come in contact with. I have to believe that each diet Dr. Pepper I do not drink (a small thing) will start breaking the addiction. I have to believe that each mouthful of food that is wisely and purposely chosen will bring about my salvation - eternally - AND right now. I have to believe that by bringing the Lord into my struggle He will lead me, help me, give me strength, and bring me salvation.

Another scripture that I love reminds me of Satan's great capacity to destroy me if I let him. It is found in 2 Ne 9:28-29, "O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! (Karen) When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearkned not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish. But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." It intrigues me that Satan has a plan too. His plan is to destroy me (and all of Heavenly Father's children and His plan). He has no power to do so - other than the power that I give him. But my foolishness, my vanity, my vainness, my wisdom, my arrogance have led me to ignore the counsels of God...I should never have thought I could drink a caffeinated drink...the Lord has counseled against it. I bought the idea that while I was young and not feeling the effects of my obesity I had plenty of time to get the weight off and that I wasn't being affected adversely. I bought Satan's line that I wasn't addicted, I could stop any time, that I had control, I had power. They are all lies. I am in his clutches! I love this from President Monson at his closing remarks in April Conference of this year, " Now, a word of caution to all (Karen) - both young and old, male and female. We live at a time when the adversary is using every means possible to ensnare us in his web of deceit, trying desperately to take us down with him. There are many pathways along which he entices us to go - pathways that can lead to our destruction. Advances in many areas that can be used for good can also be used to speed us along those heinous pathways....My brothers and sisters, involvement in such will literally destroy the spirit. Be strong. Be clean. Avoid such degrading and destructive types of content at all costs- wherever they may be!...And if you have allowed yourself to become involved in this behavior, cease now. Seek the help you need to overcome and to change the direction of your life. Take the steps necessary to get back on the strait and narrow, and then stay there. May we say, with Joshua of old, 'Choose you this day whom ye will serve;...but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." This moment, today, I choose the Lord. Now, my plan is that when I feel tempted I will turn to Him in prayer.

Freedom

This is meant to chronicle my journey to freedom. Some would query the use of this word, arguing that I am truly free already - I live in the freest country in the world, at a time in the history of the world that affords rights and privileges to women rarely known to my ancestors. However, I have been cumbered about and enslaved by my own choices and decisions which have left me morbidly obese, physically disabled, emotionally anxious and frustrated, spiritually bereft, fearful, and discouraged.

I am under no illusions about the speed or course of my recovery. I know it will be bumpy and I know it will have highs and lows. I also know that this will probably take years to accomplish - and I am not even sure that I have faith enough to hope that I can win the battle.

I injured my achilles tendon in April of 2008, tore my miniscus in October of 2008, and moved to Oak Ridge, Tennessee in December of 2008. For Christmas of 2008 Rich and I returned to Denver to celebrate it with our daughter, Felicia and our other daughter, Desiree and her family. In January of 2009 I flew to Oklahoma to pick up my daughter, Cherstin, with her two little ones, and bring them home to Tennessee. In February Cherstin and I traveled back to Oklahoma, then on to Colorado and Utah, then to Tucson, Arizona and back through Oklahoma and finally home. In March Cherstin and I traveled to Wisconsin and back. In April we traveled with Rich to Georgia and Florida. In late April we traveled to South Carolina. And finally, in May I travelled back to Oklahoma to take Cherstin home. In the middle of May Rich and I travelled to Chicago and up to Wisconsin. The first week of June we flew back to Utah and home again. I recount these travels to note that life has had a kind of ebb and flow of its own and to also note that my weight has burgeoned from 295 to an all time high of 350 as of today. In many ways I have hit rock bottom.

My life has also been complicated by the knee injuries and by my feet. However, I am finally taking some kind of control and even responsibility.

I have met with an orthopedic doctor about my knees and find that they are shot - the only thing that will provide permenant relief are total knee replacements. However, the bad news is that I am too heavy for the doctors to consider that a safe option and I am also younger than they like to do. The good news is that if I can get the weight off (with 4 lbs of pressure for each lb of excess weight) it would take off 800 lbs of pressure - and that would potentially give me great relief and possibly defer the need of the replacements until later in my life - and make it safer in the event that I need them. What freedom that would be!

I have also met with three different podiatrists and have finally decided to have my great toes replaced. That surgery will start with my left foot, followed by my right foot three weeks later. I am hopeful that this will aid my my ability to walk and move about in a less painful manner and thus improve my exercise prospects.

Finally, two weeks ago I met with my primary care physician about my desire to lose weight and get healthy. She ran an entire blood panel and had me return this morning. She found my thyroid is okay, kidney and liver functions okay, vitamin D level VERY LOW, but most everything okay. So, she has given me prescription levels of Vitamin D for two months, a water pill, potassium pill, a blood pressure med, and a diet drug. She has also recommended a low sodium diet and a weight loss program such as weight watchers or curves. I need to return in two weeks for a blood pressure check - and follow up in three months. None of this is without potential difficulty but my morbid obesity outweighs those risks - I NEED to get this under control.

When we were in Utah over the weekend Rich and I went to the Distribution Center. There I found a workbook from LDS Family Services called, A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing. I am under physician's care for the physical problems caused by my addiction to food and now I have a valuable tool in my spiritual and emotional arsenal to help me recover. I am frightened and hopeful - all at once. It is my plan to blog my journey here - each and every aspect. It is my journey to freedom.