I don't feel particularly encompassed in a negative way right now. My prayers and scripture study, along with the feelings and impressions from Stake Conference this past weekend have made me feel that rather, I'm encompassed by angelic hosts who the Father has blessed me with to strengthen me and help me. Obviously these activities are key to my success.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Journeying Together
Many months ago (actually years - really?!?!) I had been watching the NBC hit reality program "Biggest Loser" about people who are morbidly obese and transform their lives through diet and exercise (I am still an avid fan) and they started advertising their online weightloss platform. I was so frustrated by my own weight I decided to join. At first it was a little awkward because I'm not very computer savvy and I don't have a lot of online experience but I found a great group of women and a few men that I quickly identified with and they took me in and we have become fast friends. We come from all over the US - from Maine to California, and throughout Canada. When I was in Utah last year I met three of them for a "Utah Summit" and it was so exciting to put actual people to posts. This year my friend Gina, from Illinois, came down to visit and I had a terrific time with her and I have since visited her at her home on our way from Wisconsin. I have also connected with a precious friend from our ward here and we've become exercise buddies and have the opportunity to connect nearly every day in this endeavor.
The thread is clearly a secular group of people utilizing the tools and gathering together for the purpose of weight loss. There are at least five of us who are LDS and many others who are also Christian but because it is a secular group we rarely engage in the kinds of spiritual discussions that are so vital for my purposes. Carol, from Vernal, Utah, and I felt the connection immediately and have had a few discussions and message one another about these more serious issues from time to time. Both of us have recognized that for us, this journey has to be spiritual and believe that unless that is addressed we'll never truly be successful in this endeavor. However, we both have families similar in size and make-up that keep us hopping and combining that with the time difference we seldom have the regular discussions our souls hunger for. Gina, my friend from Illinois, is Christian and I don't know her particular denomination, but we share very strong testimonies of the atonement of our Savior and the knowledge that He is the only way in which we can be healed. She is single and only an hour time difference and we are able to chat frequently about these weighty matters. She has been instrumental in helping me focus and search for spiritual understanding rather than just thinking about calories in/calories out.
As I struggled for those many months she was strong and called me frequently. She wouldn't let me pull away for too long into strange paths and kept me in her prayers and did everything she could to help me out of the dark.
For about the last five months she has been going through something similar and three weeks ago it became more of a crisis. She started eating junk and soon the eating careened out of control and into full-fledged rebellion. I knew she was struggling and I feel terrible that I didn't keep closer contact. I was busy with holiday preparations and having Cherstin and her family here and then Joey and his family, I lost track of hours and days all the while she was in such pain. I emailed her on Friday and got no response. Hours later I did the same and got no response. I tried calling and no one answered but I left a message. I had the distinct impression that she was in trouble but I didn't know what else to do. I called again and left a message inquiring if she were out of town, if her sister had taken a turn for the worst, or if her friend was having problems, or if she were ill...I told her I loved her and was worried. She returned my call almost immediately. My suspicions were confirmed and I knew that she had been avoiding me. She really was in trouble.
We texted for nearly an hour when I finally decided to get out of bed and called her. We talked for another hour but I knew she was in trouble. When I went to bed, at nearly 3 am, I prayed that she would be able to hold on. When I got up two hours later to get Cherstin, Dan and the kids off I renewed that supplication. I went back to bed and got up about 7:30 to go to the gym and so I decided to text Gina and let her know that I had my phone with me until I went to my aqua fit class and if she were in trouble please call or hang on until after we could talk. Surprisingly, when I sent that text she texted me right back. She hadn't slept a wink and had written a whole long series of emails that she started to sent me...she was trying to totally cut off communication. She had given up on herself.
I fired back a series of texts that told her that wasn't going to happen and if I needed to drive to Illinois I would so she better start talking. She and I decided that we would talk later that day. When we did it was a long call (probably at least 2 hours) and we were able to discuss what was happening and to support one another. I shared with her some of the things I had tried to share the night before, things that had been revelatory in nature and had given me insight and understanding into me and to this effort. She seemed to feel 100# lighter and shared some of her insights that I have been grateful for.
This could be viewed as a long, drawn out story of nothing much. However, it is a testament of the importance of journeying together. That is true for husbands and wives, for brothers and sisters and families in general, for the church family, and for communities and neighborhoods. But it is just as true for friends and people we meet. In reality we really are just one big family. We are Heavenly Father's family and it is only by loving His children and helping them that we gain an understanding of how much He loves us...each one of us. He never gives up on us. We shouldn't either. And whatever we can do to lift, comfort, support, teach, or help one another really is one of the only ways that we can repay Him for that same effort He has expended on our behalf...although it is merely a beggar's mite indeed. None of us can make it back to our Heavenly Home on our own. It cannot be done. I have tried too often to do that way...to my own peril...and for the life of me I don't know why...I know that it is often the case that He answers our prayers through the hands of others and I want to be His daughter and for Him to know that He can depend on me...sadly...as long as I don't have company.
The thread is clearly a secular group of people utilizing the tools and gathering together for the purpose of weight loss. There are at least five of us who are LDS and many others who are also Christian but because it is a secular group we rarely engage in the kinds of spiritual discussions that are so vital for my purposes. Carol, from Vernal, Utah, and I felt the connection immediately and have had a few discussions and message one another about these more serious issues from time to time. Both of us have recognized that for us, this journey has to be spiritual and believe that unless that is addressed we'll never truly be successful in this endeavor. However, we both have families similar in size and make-up that keep us hopping and combining that with the time difference we seldom have the regular discussions our souls hunger for. Gina, my friend from Illinois, is Christian and I don't know her particular denomination, but we share very strong testimonies of the atonement of our Savior and the knowledge that He is the only way in which we can be healed. She is single and only an hour time difference and we are able to chat frequently about these weighty matters. She has been instrumental in helping me focus and search for spiritual understanding rather than just thinking about calories in/calories out.
As I struggled for those many months she was strong and called me frequently. She wouldn't let me pull away for too long into strange paths and kept me in her prayers and did everything she could to help me out of the dark.
For about the last five months she has been going through something similar and three weeks ago it became more of a crisis. She started eating junk and soon the eating careened out of control and into full-fledged rebellion. I knew she was struggling and I feel terrible that I didn't keep closer contact. I was busy with holiday preparations and having Cherstin and her family here and then Joey and his family, I lost track of hours and days all the while she was in such pain. I emailed her on Friday and got no response. Hours later I did the same and got no response. I tried calling and no one answered but I left a message. I had the distinct impression that she was in trouble but I didn't know what else to do. I called again and left a message inquiring if she were out of town, if her sister had taken a turn for the worst, or if her friend was having problems, or if she were ill...I told her I loved her and was worried. She returned my call almost immediately. My suspicions were confirmed and I knew that she had been avoiding me. She really was in trouble.
We texted for nearly an hour when I finally decided to get out of bed and called her. We talked for another hour but I knew she was in trouble. When I went to bed, at nearly 3 am, I prayed that she would be able to hold on. When I got up two hours later to get Cherstin, Dan and the kids off I renewed that supplication. I went back to bed and got up about 7:30 to go to the gym and so I decided to text Gina and let her know that I had my phone with me until I went to my aqua fit class and if she were in trouble please call or hang on until after we could talk. Surprisingly, when I sent that text she texted me right back. She hadn't slept a wink and had written a whole long series of emails that she started to sent me...she was trying to totally cut off communication. She had given up on herself.
I fired back a series of texts that told her that wasn't going to happen and if I needed to drive to Illinois I would so she better start talking. She and I decided that we would talk later that day. When we did it was a long call (probably at least 2 hours) and we were able to discuss what was happening and to support one another. I shared with her some of the things I had tried to share the night before, things that had been revelatory in nature and had given me insight and understanding into me and to this effort. She seemed to feel 100# lighter and shared some of her insights that I have been grateful for.
This could be viewed as a long, drawn out story of nothing much. However, it is a testament of the importance of journeying together. That is true for husbands and wives, for brothers and sisters and families in general, for the church family, and for communities and neighborhoods. But it is just as true for friends and people we meet. In reality we really are just one big family. We are Heavenly Father's family and it is only by loving His children and helping them that we gain an understanding of how much He loves us...each one of us. He never gives up on us. We shouldn't either. And whatever we can do to lift, comfort, support, teach, or help one another really is one of the only ways that we can repay Him for that same effort He has expended on our behalf...although it is merely a beggar's mite indeed. None of us can make it back to our Heavenly Home on our own. It cannot be done. I have tried too often to do that way...to my own peril...and for the life of me I don't know why...I know that it is often the case that He answers our prayers through the hands of others and I want to be His daughter and for Him to know that He can depend on me...sadly...as long as I don't have company.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Biggest Loser Buddy - June
I had posted on my Biggest Loser thread the post that I just posted before this one: "Learning, Ever Learning." June, one of my buddies from the thread posted the following in response. I thought it was very insightful and caused me to realize again how similar all of us who struggle with weight really are.
Good morning!
Karen: I love your glimpses into your psyche...you tell me a lot about myself! It's taken me a long time to start understanding myself... and I don't know why.
Lessons I HAVE learned: I need to PAY to exercise! If I have equipment in my house that I'm not currently paying off, then I don't use it. If I PAY to go to the Club for exercising, I'll go. If I have an APPOINTMENT to see my PT, I'll do the exercises at home so I'll show improvement. If I don't have any scheduled, then I'm lax in getting strengthening.
It seems I'm accountable ONLY if: I am PAYING for a website so I can talk to my friends. I enter my calories, etc., into my Fitness Pal, ONLY because I am now accountable to my SON.
Food: I cannot buy ANYTHING that I am TOXIC to...no M and M's, candy, cookies, pizza. When I go out to eat, I have to be very careful as to what I get. That is why I have to CHECK the nutrition facts on my phone app.
Believe it or not, my food choices has changed since I went Gluten-Free...because I know that those gluten carbs are TOXIC to me and that I shouldn't take a chance with my health and well-being. Why couldn't I do that before I went gluten free, knowing that out-of-control sugar, fructose, aspartame and fats could make me diabetic which is probably more harmful than being allergic to gluten?
I am so looking forward to our challenge. Even though I have been careful with my food intake, I have not been doing any exercising since I "graduated" from my physical therapy. I really need to get that part of my life back again.
Of course, this month has been really hectic and I am looking forward to the New Year, getting back into a routine, and challenging myself!
I got the treadmill cleared off. Couldn't get the whole room back to it's natural state because I still have the tree up, which goes into the closet first before the rest of the boxes. However, I have no excuse now, not to get on it. And, I keep forgetting about my bike and aerobic rider in the basement. I'm starting off today on them!
We don't have many goodies in the house to munch on for New Years. In fact, I went to Costco yesterday and looked for things to buy for our New Year's Eve party and didn't find anything that looked healthy and fun and gluten-free! I guess I will have to make everything from scratch! So maybe we won't have a party! LOL
Well, time for my shake! Gordon has an appointment early with his cardio doc for a pacemaker check! So need to go!
Have a great day!
June
Learning, Ever Learning
This time of year always makes me a little introspective. Not in a morose way but definitely more contemplative. I've been thinking about all the things that have happened in our family and to myself this year and I have to conclude that we have been very blessed. There have been many ups and downs - some serious, some funny, and some things that have taught me some valuable lessons. I feel like one of the most valuable experiences I have had in my life occurred this year when I gained much of my weight back...and while I certainly wish I hadn't done it, I am grateful because it has caused me to do a great deal of self analysis and to understand what drives me, which I hope will help me be successful in the longterm.
My goal isn't about weight loss really. I know how to lose weight...have done it over and over and over. What I don't know how to do is to lose ALL of my weight and keep it off by making this a lifestyle. I have learned that I need to learn how to master me - my appetites, passions, and emotions - all the frustrations, anger, worry, joy, boredom...just all the things that drive my food consumption.
I have also learned that I have no idea what a "normal" portion size is really. Nor do I really stop to savor each bite. In fact - if someone were to give me a 3# box of chocolates I wouldn't be happy until I had eaten the whole thing - regardless of my resolve! Regardless that I probably wouldn't even like all of them!!! Over a period of time I would find that I had eaten it all as I told myself that I was just going to have just one more piece! I have yet to learn "why" I do this, and perhaps that isn't important...but I do know I need to learn how to savor, enjoy, and feel satisfied with a taste of something without feeling the need to consume everything in sight. I don't even want to think that I'll never have another chocolate or ice cream cone or brownie - but I would like to learn how to be completely satisfied with a small sample instead of the whole container.
I have also learned that I am not a quitter. I very nearly threw my hands in the air and decided to quit trying - telling myself that it was of no use - I was going to just be morbidly obese the rest of my life - it was too hard and futile. Yes, I blew it...but I am going to stay with this until I have learned how to be who I really am on the outside as well as the inside!
I have also learned that I am truly an addict. I wish it weren't so...but it is. And, like an alcoholic, I cannot ever have diet Dr. Pepper. Others can but I cannot. I will always be a recovering addict. By society's measure diet Dr. Pepper must seem inocuous but the fact is that it is a trigger for everything that is death to a healthy life and normal and good for me. When I drink a diet Dr. Pepper I want chips, cookies, ice cream, brownies, and not in a 1/4 cup portion either! I want more and more of whatever and I lose all sense of balance and control.
And, I have learned that some activities (i.e. going to the gym, logging food, planning, checking in here, and talking to others that are working to overcome similar problems, etc.) will go a long way in helping me be successful in my goals.
I have also learned that when I am out of control my natural instinct is to become a recluse. And that the only way out is for me to face myself and account for my actions. I will avoid that as long as I can. Pride, pride, pride....
I have decided that I have been approaching this effort a little bit like Lot's wife of biblical fame - the woman who was told not to look back and when she did she was turned into a pillar of salt. My guess is it wasn't the looking back that was the problem - rather her desire for what her life had been. In so many ways I have had the same problem...I want to be able to drink the diet Dr. Pepper, eat the chips and brownies and ice cream in the glutonous proportions of my old life and still be skinny and healthy. Somehow that doesn't work - it doesn't even work for people with high metabolisms! Rather - I need to learn to look forward to the journey. Be excited about the process and self discovery. And to learn to recognize and appreciate the blessings of my new lifestyle - each and every day! To take note and bask in an extra minute of hard cycling that I can now do, or losing blood pressure meds, or fitting into a cute pair of jeans...every day I should be seeing and enjoying the benefits of my efforts rather than wishing I could have the "forbidden fruit!"
I am sure that there are many more lessons that I will have learned but are not recognizing yet...but I am happy with these humble beginnings and I am excited by the promise of a new year...a new start...and a new me. I am under no illusions that the road will always be as easy as it is right now but I am hoping that I am learning to truly understand me and how I can become my master instead of food.
Recently I visited my opthamologist as the cataracts I have seem to be giving me difficulty. I learned that it is way past time to have them removed and new lenses inserted. I am really excited about that as my vision is deteriorating rapidly. I can no longer see signs, peoples' faces, etc. My vision will no longer be clouded - it will be clear, crisp, and defined. I believe my vison of myself is as clouded by my weight as my eyesight is by the cataracts. I think I may just be getting as excited to see who I am as I am about seeing my surroundings. One of the most difficult things about losing weight is that we often only see a distortion of what we really are and we are often afraid of what we will/won't become. I'm hoping to embrace the emerging me. How many times have I stopped short of my goals for some stupid reason - often times unknown to even me!?!?! I'm here to say I can do this and I am hoping that I will find tremendous success this new year. And now that I have written another epistle I need to get to bed.
My goal isn't about weight loss really. I know how to lose weight...have done it over and over and over. What I don't know how to do is to lose ALL of my weight and keep it off by making this a lifestyle. I have learned that I need to learn how to master me - my appetites, passions, and emotions - all the frustrations, anger, worry, joy, boredom...just all the things that drive my food consumption.
I have also learned that I have no idea what a "normal" portion size is really. Nor do I really stop to savor each bite. In fact - if someone were to give me a 3# box of chocolates I wouldn't be happy until I had eaten the whole thing - regardless of my resolve! Regardless that I probably wouldn't even like all of them!!! Over a period of time I would find that I had eaten it all as I told myself that I was just going to have just one more piece! I have yet to learn "why" I do this, and perhaps that isn't important...but I do know I need to learn how to savor, enjoy, and feel satisfied with a taste of something without feeling the need to consume everything in sight. I don't even want to think that I'll never have another chocolate or ice cream cone or brownie - but I would like to learn how to be completely satisfied with a small sample instead of the whole container.
I have also learned that I am not a quitter. I very nearly threw my hands in the air and decided to quit trying - telling myself that it was of no use - I was going to just be morbidly obese the rest of my life - it was too hard and futile. Yes, I blew it...but I am going to stay with this until I have learned how to be who I really am on the outside as well as the inside!
I have also learned that I am truly an addict. I wish it weren't so...but it is. And, like an alcoholic, I cannot ever have diet Dr. Pepper. Others can but I cannot. I will always be a recovering addict. By society's measure diet Dr. Pepper must seem inocuous but the fact is that it is a trigger for everything that is death to a healthy life and normal and good for me. When I drink a diet Dr. Pepper I want chips, cookies, ice cream, brownies, and not in a 1/4 cup portion either! I want more and more of whatever and I lose all sense of balance and control.
And, I have learned that some activities (i.e. going to the gym, logging food, planning, checking in here, and talking to others that are working to overcome similar problems, etc.) will go a long way in helping me be successful in my goals.
I have also learned that when I am out of control my natural instinct is to become a recluse. And that the only way out is for me to face myself and account for my actions. I will avoid that as long as I can. Pride, pride, pride....
I have decided that I have been approaching this effort a little bit like Lot's wife of biblical fame - the woman who was told not to look back and when she did she was turned into a pillar of salt. My guess is it wasn't the looking back that was the problem - rather her desire for what her life had been. In so many ways I have had the same problem...I want to be able to drink the diet Dr. Pepper, eat the chips and brownies and ice cream in the glutonous proportions of my old life and still be skinny and healthy. Somehow that doesn't work - it doesn't even work for people with high metabolisms! Rather - I need to learn to look forward to the journey. Be excited about the process and self discovery. And to learn to recognize and appreciate the blessings of my new lifestyle - each and every day! To take note and bask in an extra minute of hard cycling that I can now do, or losing blood pressure meds, or fitting into a cute pair of jeans...every day I should be seeing and enjoying the benefits of my efforts rather than wishing I could have the "forbidden fruit!"
I am sure that there are many more lessons that I will have learned but are not recognizing yet...but I am happy with these humble beginnings and I am excited by the promise of a new year...a new start...and a new me. I am under no illusions that the road will always be as easy as it is right now but I am hoping that I am learning to truly understand me and how I can become my master instead of food.
Recently I visited my opthamologist as the cataracts I have seem to be giving me difficulty. I learned that it is way past time to have them removed and new lenses inserted. I am really excited about that as my vision is deteriorating rapidly. I can no longer see signs, peoples' faces, etc. My vision will no longer be clouded - it will be clear, crisp, and defined. I believe my vison of myself is as clouded by my weight as my eyesight is by the cataracts. I think I may just be getting as excited to see who I am as I am about seeing my surroundings. One of the most difficult things about losing weight is that we often only see a distortion of what we really are and we are often afraid of what we will/won't become. I'm hoping to embrace the emerging me. How many times have I stopped short of my goals for some stupid reason - often times unknown to even me!?!?! I'm here to say I can do this and I am hoping that I will find tremendous success this new year. And now that I have written another epistle I need to get to bed.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
New Beginnings
The months and weeks and days have flown by and I find myself at the end of the year, contemplating the beginning of 2012. This year has been filled with new babies - Oliver on the 30th of December, Ruby on February 14th, Hyrum the Elder (Husted) on May 26th, and Hyrum the Younger (Hamblin) on May 31st. I was privileged to be in each of their homes for some portion of their early days on this earth and Rich was able to join me and the rest of their families for their blessings. It has also been a year of accomplishment as we were able to travel to the graduation of Felicia from BYU and were also able to celebrate Joey's graduation from graduate school, and Philip received a major promotion and pay raise. It has been a year of new beginnings as Gideon received the priesthood, Sam was baptized a member of the church, Felicia started her MSW program at BYU, and Robert and I applied to go back to school. It has been a year of struggle as Joey left his little family and went to Iraq for 6 long months, my father suffered a precipitous decline and is slowly losing his battle with Alzheimers, Rich suffered a major setback in his health when he developed multiple blood clots in his lungs and legs AND the company he was working for was sold. There have been the usual ups and downs of life with illness, education, finances, church callings, and relationship difficulties...but the one constant through it all is the struggle that I continue to be engaged in - the struggle to lose the excess weight and regain my physical fitness and great health. Unfortunately much of the progress that I made last year was reversed and I am now working to reclaim that and continue on the journey.
Recently I met with my doctor for my physical and she and I had a heart to heart conversation about my battle in this very trying war. She acknowledged that my "plate is full" but then reminded me that in all my responsibilites, worries, and roles I needed to remember to take care of me first - like the admonishment of the airline stewardess to breathe in the oxygen mask before trying to help other passengers in the event of an emergency. While I know this is true and wise counsel I also know how difficult it is to do when other demands are tugging at your heartstrings. I constantly try to remind myself that it is about balance but I'm not sure that it really applies because when you are this overweight there is no balance - literally or figuratively! LOL
However - there have been some major breakthroughs in my thinking over the course of the year and I am really excited about them. I have been working through the "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" book by Colleen Harrison, the Church's Addiction Recovery Program, and another gospel centered weightloss program that have helped me recognize the seriousness of my plight and given me hope to overcome. Additionally, a friend from my Biggest Loser thread shared a talk with me from Melvin J. Ballard called "The Struggle for the Soul" that has helped me look at this struggle with new eyes. And, with those eyes and likening all scripture unto me I had an epiphany that crystalized the struggle I have had and has given me the courage and will to go on. It comes from the book of Joshua in the Old Testament. I know that the context of the original scripture isn't what it has come to mean to me but what I have learned is far more personal and applicable. "Choose you this day whom ye will serve....as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" has become the standard to measure my actions against. It is an eternal standard that never changes. My "house" is my body, my temple. I have chosen whom I will serve and it isn't my flesh but my Father in Heaven. Eating and drinking things that enslave me leaves me unable to serve Him. And, as a slave to my appetites and passions I lose my ability to change my course of action and to choose eternal life.
This was brought home in such a profound way this past five or six months. I had criss-crossed the country several times earlier in the year and when we went out to Utah for Felicia's graduation we drove from Tennessee. I, in my infinite wisdom (NOT!!!) decided that I NEEDED the diet Dr. Pepper that I had been off of so that I could be more alert and able to help with the drive. I have long known that I am really an addict to diet Dr. Pepper and so like the true addict I am, I tried to convince myself that I could stop drinking it any time I wanted and that just one would not hurt me. Those are the lies and temptations of the adversary and I CHOSE to rebel against all I knew to be true and have that drink. What that one drink did was lessen my resolve to not drink it again and also set up the cravings and appetites for all the trash - cookies, candy, chips, fast food, etc. that are death to weight loss. By the time that we returned home I was fully engaged in one long binge, unable to stop. June. July. August. September...nearly all of the ground that I had worked so hard to win was lost by a single drink of diet Dr. Pepper. I knew I was in trouble but I didn't have the will power to stop. I promised myself every day that tomorrow would be a new day and the day I would stand my ground...and every day I failed miserably. It was finally realizing that I was being double minded - wanting to choose the Lord in my heart and mind but the appetites of my body held me captive and in that captivity I was rebelling against the Lord by choosing the very things that were keeping me captive - and I wasn't doing it naively - I was in open rebellion - I said that my heart and mind wanted to serve the Lord but I wanted the trash more in reality. By late September/early October I seriously wondered if the fight was worth it and if I could really win it. I hurt in every joint in my body - sugar and salt do that to me. My clothes didn't fit any longer - things that had been nearly falling off of me were tight and unsightly. My blood pressure had risen. The edema was back with a vengeance. I was avoiding my doctor. And I seriously wished to be a recluse...how do you serve the Lord and His children if you don't want to leave the house????
I made a doctor appointment, stepped on the scale, bought a few items of clothing that could tide me over, made my training appointments and started back at the gym. I invited a friend from Church to start going with me to the gym knowing that having someone waiting on me might help. I also decided I would "own" what was happening on my Biggest Loser thread. I was taking my life back. It has been a long, tough road. I have not yet undone all the damage I did but I am actively working on it.
I love Pres. Benson's talk, "Beware of Pride." It has long been one of my favorites, but it has special meaning to me as I realize that it was nothing but foolish pride that led me to rationalize that first drink. And it was nothing but foolish pride that kept me thinking I could do this on my own. The fact is, I can't. I am sure that there are people out there who have conquered their weight without the help of the Lord...but I am even more sure that I will never conquer it permanently without Him. I know how to lose weight but it isn't losing that is the problem...it is learning how to master my appetites and passions instead of them mastering me.
Recently I met with my doctor for my physical and she and I had a heart to heart conversation about my battle in this very trying war. She acknowledged that my "plate is full" but then reminded me that in all my responsibilites, worries, and roles I needed to remember to take care of me first - like the admonishment of the airline stewardess to breathe in the oxygen mask before trying to help other passengers in the event of an emergency. While I know this is true and wise counsel I also know how difficult it is to do when other demands are tugging at your heartstrings. I constantly try to remind myself that it is about balance but I'm not sure that it really applies because when you are this overweight there is no balance - literally or figuratively! LOL
However - there have been some major breakthroughs in my thinking over the course of the year and I am really excited about them. I have been working through the "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" book by Colleen Harrison, the Church's Addiction Recovery Program, and another gospel centered weightloss program that have helped me recognize the seriousness of my plight and given me hope to overcome. Additionally, a friend from my Biggest Loser thread shared a talk with me from Melvin J. Ballard called "The Struggle for the Soul" that has helped me look at this struggle with new eyes. And, with those eyes and likening all scripture unto me I had an epiphany that crystalized the struggle I have had and has given me the courage and will to go on. It comes from the book of Joshua in the Old Testament. I know that the context of the original scripture isn't what it has come to mean to me but what I have learned is far more personal and applicable. "Choose you this day whom ye will serve....as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" has become the standard to measure my actions against. It is an eternal standard that never changes. My "house" is my body, my temple. I have chosen whom I will serve and it isn't my flesh but my Father in Heaven. Eating and drinking things that enslave me leaves me unable to serve Him. And, as a slave to my appetites and passions I lose my ability to change my course of action and to choose eternal life.
This was brought home in such a profound way this past five or six months. I had criss-crossed the country several times earlier in the year and when we went out to Utah for Felicia's graduation we drove from Tennessee. I, in my infinite wisdom (NOT!!!) decided that I NEEDED the diet Dr. Pepper that I had been off of so that I could be more alert and able to help with the drive. I have long known that I am really an addict to diet Dr. Pepper and so like the true addict I am, I tried to convince myself that I could stop drinking it any time I wanted and that just one would not hurt me. Those are the lies and temptations of the adversary and I CHOSE to rebel against all I knew to be true and have that drink. What that one drink did was lessen my resolve to not drink it again and also set up the cravings and appetites for all the trash - cookies, candy, chips, fast food, etc. that are death to weight loss. By the time that we returned home I was fully engaged in one long binge, unable to stop. June. July. August. September...nearly all of the ground that I had worked so hard to win was lost by a single drink of diet Dr. Pepper. I knew I was in trouble but I didn't have the will power to stop. I promised myself every day that tomorrow would be a new day and the day I would stand my ground...and every day I failed miserably. It was finally realizing that I was being double minded - wanting to choose the Lord in my heart and mind but the appetites of my body held me captive and in that captivity I was rebelling against the Lord by choosing the very things that were keeping me captive - and I wasn't doing it naively - I was in open rebellion - I said that my heart and mind wanted to serve the Lord but I wanted the trash more in reality. By late September/early October I seriously wondered if the fight was worth it and if I could really win it. I hurt in every joint in my body - sugar and salt do that to me. My clothes didn't fit any longer - things that had been nearly falling off of me were tight and unsightly. My blood pressure had risen. The edema was back with a vengeance. I was avoiding my doctor. And I seriously wished to be a recluse...how do you serve the Lord and His children if you don't want to leave the house????
I made a doctor appointment, stepped on the scale, bought a few items of clothing that could tide me over, made my training appointments and started back at the gym. I invited a friend from Church to start going with me to the gym knowing that having someone waiting on me might help. I also decided I would "own" what was happening on my Biggest Loser thread. I was taking my life back. It has been a long, tough road. I have not yet undone all the damage I did but I am actively working on it.
I love Pres. Benson's talk, "Beware of Pride." It has long been one of my favorites, but it has special meaning to me as I realize that it was nothing but foolish pride that led me to rationalize that first drink. And it was nothing but foolish pride that kept me thinking I could do this on my own. The fact is, I can't. I am sure that there are people out there who have conquered their weight without the help of the Lord...but I am even more sure that I will never conquer it permanently without Him. I know how to lose weight but it isn't losing that is the problem...it is learning how to master my appetites and passions instead of them mastering me.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Wow! What a Tear!
Since April I have known I was in trouble. I have tried unsuccessfully to pull myself back from the brink...to no avail.
Last night Rich and I were watching an episode of "In Plain Sight" about the lead character's mom having to confront her alcoholism. It was so poignant and I knew that was where I have been since November...not wanting to admit it to the world...even myself. But who am I kidding? My binging is there for all the world to see, whether it is in private or not.
A couple of weeks ago I posted a couple of scriptures on my fridge - hoping that seeing them would make me confront myself. Instead I just ate from places outside of the fridge.
Last night I downloaded Ballard's talk, "The Struggle for the Soul" and vowed I would read it at least three times a day and EVERY time I was tempted to eat something not on my program. Old habits die hard. I went to the dentist this morning (they had called with a cancellation and I needed the crown ASAP) and since I only had 45 minutes to make the appointment I didn't get the talk read. After I came out of the Dentist's I cleaned out the car, ran through the car wash, and of course, went through Chick-fil-a for a couple of diet Dr. Peppers. The Dr. Peppers would have been bad enough but they were getting rid of their left over biscuits from breakfast and asked if I wanted one...yes! NO!!! But I still took it and ate it!!! WHY???? Well - I am back home and pulling the talk...I need to face me NOW!!!
Last night Rich and I were watching an episode of "In Plain Sight" about the lead character's mom having to confront her alcoholism. It was so poignant and I knew that was where I have been since November...not wanting to admit it to the world...even myself. But who am I kidding? My binging is there for all the world to see, whether it is in private or not.
A couple of weeks ago I posted a couple of scriptures on my fridge - hoping that seeing them would make me confront myself. Instead I just ate from places outside of the fridge.
Last night I downloaded Ballard's talk, "The Struggle for the Soul" and vowed I would read it at least three times a day and EVERY time I was tempted to eat something not on my program. Old habits die hard. I went to the dentist this morning (they had called with a cancellation and I needed the crown ASAP) and since I only had 45 minutes to make the appointment I didn't get the talk read. After I came out of the Dentist's I cleaned out the car, ran through the car wash, and of course, went through Chick-fil-a for a couple of diet Dr. Peppers. The Dr. Peppers would have been bad enough but they were getting rid of their left over biscuits from breakfast and asked if I wanted one...yes! NO!!! But I still took it and ate it!!! WHY???? Well - I am back home and pulling the talk...I need to face me NOW!!!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Freedom From Bondage
Last night I received and email from a friend from my Biggest Loser group. She weighs over 400 pounds and is miserable. We both have a belief in God and in his mercy and atonement...however, I have the fulness of the gospel and I am so grateful for that.
My heart went out to her - I tried to respond in a way that might point her to Christ as the power and way to escape the bondage that she is in...however, I doubt I had the words needed...I just hope I had the spirit with me. This morning I awakened with my thoughts turned to her again and I tried to respond again in such a way that she could feel the love of our Savior and again, I just don't know.
As I searched for ways and words to express my thoughts I turned to the book "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" written by Colleen Harrison. Colleen wrote this book as a study guide to correlate with the 12 step program focusing on the Book of Mormon and the principles of the gospel. A couple of years ago I started through it as I was struggling but in the move I couldn't find the book and I don't even know if I was really working things properly then. A few weeks ago I found the box the book was in and last night I opened it in an attempt to find words of solace for my friend. As I opened its pages I recognized that I had had some significant miracles happen earlier in the year...miracles that opened my eyes and understanding enough to restart my weight loss journey and to feel the overwhelming love of my Savior.
In January, at the start of the new Gospel Doctrine curriculm, I decided to undertake a study of the Old Testament...to really study, to ponder, to learn. That process had given me new insights and understandings that really set me on the course I am on now - those miracles saved my life. But, just like the pride cycle, as Cherstin and the kids came, trips ensued, and my practice of going to the gym became habitual my study time diminished. It has not been totally eradicated...I listen to conference, BYU discussions on the Book of Mormon, and CES talks on my ipod while I exercise, and I study as deeply as I know how for my monthly Relief Society lesson that I teach. But I can feel that the consistent study, pondering, and prayer that had been my blessing at the beginning of the year has been replaced by good things - but I need to restore that practice because the conference talks, the ces talks, etc. taken in in this way are more casual...my eye isn't on them with a singular focus. I have been blessed by them - no doubt! But I have not had the study sessions in my daily schedule for a while and I need them and the Spirit to help me daily. If I get any more casual or away from it I am in true danger of beginning to believe in my own strength, that I am responsible for my success in weight loss rather than acknowledging that it is truly by the power of the Lord that I am being delivered. And, frankly, I have that self righteous, proud, arrogant tendency anyway...I have to constantly be on guard against it...I don't want or need it to gain any more foothold that it has. Besides, it is no exaggeration to say that I am powerless, I am nothing...but that with my Heavenly Father's help, the Savior's atonement, and the Holy Ghost I can become what I should be. Ironically it just hit me how absolutely true this is...it takess three Gods to help me...wow! And what is even more thrilling and humbling to know that I, along with the rest of my Heavenly Father's children, are really the object of Their work...and They could do it easily if I would just get out of Their way! So, I am heading back to better study habits so that I might have His spirit to be with me.
My heart went out to her - I tried to respond in a way that might point her to Christ as the power and way to escape the bondage that she is in...however, I doubt I had the words needed...I just hope I had the spirit with me. This morning I awakened with my thoughts turned to her again and I tried to respond again in such a way that she could feel the love of our Savior and again, I just don't know.
As I searched for ways and words to express my thoughts I turned to the book "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" written by Colleen Harrison. Colleen wrote this book as a study guide to correlate with the 12 step program focusing on the Book of Mormon and the principles of the gospel. A couple of years ago I started through it as I was struggling but in the move I couldn't find the book and I don't even know if I was really working things properly then. A few weeks ago I found the box the book was in and last night I opened it in an attempt to find words of solace for my friend. As I opened its pages I recognized that I had had some significant miracles happen earlier in the year...miracles that opened my eyes and understanding enough to restart my weight loss journey and to feel the overwhelming love of my Savior.
In January, at the start of the new Gospel Doctrine curriculm, I decided to undertake a study of the Old Testament...to really study, to ponder, to learn. That process had given me new insights and understandings that really set me on the course I am on now - those miracles saved my life. But, just like the pride cycle, as Cherstin and the kids came, trips ensued, and my practice of going to the gym became habitual my study time diminished. It has not been totally eradicated...I listen to conference, BYU discussions on the Book of Mormon, and CES talks on my ipod while I exercise, and I study as deeply as I know how for my monthly Relief Society lesson that I teach. But I can feel that the consistent study, pondering, and prayer that had been my blessing at the beginning of the year has been replaced by good things - but I need to restore that practice because the conference talks, the ces talks, etc. taken in in this way are more casual...my eye isn't on them with a singular focus. I have been blessed by them - no doubt! But I have not had the study sessions in my daily schedule for a while and I need them and the Spirit to help me daily. If I get any more casual or away from it I am in true danger of beginning to believe in my own strength, that I am responsible for my success in weight loss rather than acknowledging that it is truly by the power of the Lord that I am being delivered. And, frankly, I have that self righteous, proud, arrogant tendency anyway...I have to constantly be on guard against it...I don't want or need it to gain any more foothold that it has. Besides, it is no exaggeration to say that I am powerless, I am nothing...but that with my Heavenly Father's help, the Savior's atonement, and the Holy Ghost I can become what I should be. Ironically it just hit me how absolutely true this is...it takess three Gods to help me...wow! And what is even more thrilling and humbling to know that I, along with the rest of my Heavenly Father's children, are really the object of Their work...and They could do it easily if I would just get out of Their way! So, I am heading back to better study habits so that I might have His spirit to be with me.
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