New Beginnings

The months and weeks and days have flown by and I find myself at the end of the year, contemplating the beginning of 2012.  This year has been filled with new babies - Oliver on the 30th of December, Ruby on February 14th, Hyrum the Elder (Husted) on May 26th, and Hyrum the Younger (Hamblin) on May 31st.  I was privileged to be in each of their homes for some portion of their early days on this earth and Rich was able to join me and the rest of their families for their blessings.  It has also been a year of accomplishment as we were able to travel to the graduation of Felicia from BYU and were also able to celebrate Joey's graduation from graduate school, and Philip received a major promotion and pay raise.  It has been a year of new beginnings as Gideon received the priesthood, Sam was baptized a member of the church, Felicia started her MSW program at BYU, and Robert and I applied to go back to school.  It has been a year of struggle as Joey left his little family and went to Iraq for 6 long months, my father suffered a precipitous decline and is slowly losing his battle with Alzheimers, Rich suffered a major setback in his health when he developed multiple blood clots in his lungs and legs AND the company he was working for was sold.  There have been the usual ups and downs of life with illness, education, finances, church callings, and relationship difficulties...but the one constant through it all is the struggle that I continue to be engaged in - the struggle to lose the excess weight and regain my physical fitness and great health.  Unfortunately much of the progress that I made last year was reversed and I am now working to reclaim that and continue on the journey. 

Recently I met with my doctor for my physical and she and I had a heart to heart conversation about my battle in this very trying war.  She acknowledged that my "plate is full" but then reminded me that in all my responsibilites, worries, and roles I needed to remember to take care of me first - like the admonishment of the airline stewardess to breathe in the oxygen mask before trying to help other passengers in the event of an emergency.  While I know this is true and wise counsel I also know how difficult it is to do when other demands are tugging at your heartstrings.  I constantly try to remind myself that it is about balance but I'm not sure that it really applies because when you are this overweight there is no balance - literally or figuratively!  LOL

However - there have been some major breakthroughs in my thinking over the course of the year and I am really excited about them.  I have been working through the "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" book by Colleen Harrison, the Church's Addiction Recovery Program, and another gospel centered weightloss program that have helped me recognize the seriousness of my plight and given me hope to overcome.  Additionally, a friend from my Biggest Loser thread shared a talk with me from Melvin J. Ballard called "The Struggle for the Soul" that has helped me look at this struggle with new eyes.  And, with those eyes and likening all scripture unto me I had an epiphany that crystalized the struggle I have had and has given me the courage and will to go on.  It comes from the book of Joshua in the Old Testament.  I know that the context of the original scripture isn't what it has come to mean to me but what I have learned is far more personal and applicable.  "Choose you this day whom ye will serve....as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" has become the standard to measure my actions against.  It is an eternal standard that never changes.  My "house" is my body, my temple.  I have chosen whom I will serve and it isn't my flesh but my Father in Heaven.  Eating and drinking things that enslave me leaves me unable to serve Him.  And, as a slave to my appetites and passions I lose my ability to change my course of action and to choose eternal life. 

This was brought home in such a profound way this past five or six months.  I had criss-crossed the country several times earlier in the year and when we went out to Utah for Felicia's graduation we drove from Tennessee.  I, in my infinite wisdom (NOT!!!) decided that I NEEDED the diet Dr. Pepper that I had been off of so that I could be more alert and able to help with the drive.  I have long known that I am really an addict to diet Dr. Pepper and so like the true addict I am, I tried to convince myself that I could stop drinking it any time I wanted and that just one would not hurt me.  Those are the lies and temptations of the adversary and I CHOSE to rebel against all I knew to be true and have that drink.  What that one drink did was lessen my resolve to not drink it again and also set up the cravings and appetites for all the trash - cookies, candy, chips, fast food, etc. that are death to weight loss.  By the time that we returned home I was fully engaged in one long binge, unable to stop.  June.  July.  August.  September...nearly all of the ground that I had worked so hard to win was lost by a single drink of diet Dr. Pepper.  I knew I was in trouble but I didn't have the will power to stop.  I promised myself every day that tomorrow would be a new day and the day I would stand my ground...and every day I failed miserably.  It was finally realizing that I was being double minded - wanting to choose the Lord in my heart and mind but the appetites of my body held me captive and in that captivity I was rebelling against the Lord by choosing the very things that were keeping me captive - and I wasn't doing it naively - I was in open rebellion - I said that my heart and mind wanted to serve the Lord but I wanted the trash more in reality.  By late September/early October I seriously wondered if the fight was worth it and if I could really win it.  I hurt in every joint in my body - sugar and salt do that to me.  My clothes didn't fit any longer - things that had been nearly falling off of me were tight and unsightly.  My blood pressure had risen.  The edema was back with a vengeance.  I was avoiding my doctor.  And I seriously wished to be a recluse...how do you serve the Lord and His children if you don't want to leave the house????

I made a doctor appointment, stepped on the scale, bought a few items of clothing that could tide me over, made my training appointments and started back at the gym.  I invited a friend from Church to start going with me to the gym knowing that having someone waiting on me might help.  I also decided I would "own" what was happening on my Biggest Loser thread.  I was taking my life back.  It has been a long, tough road.  I have not yet undone all the damage I did but I am actively working on it. 

I love Pres. Benson's talk, "Beware of Pride."  It has long been one of my favorites, but it has special meaning to me as I realize that it was nothing but foolish pride that led me to rationalize that first drink.   And it was nothing but foolish pride that kept me thinking I could do this on my own.  The fact is, I can't.  I am sure that there are people out there who have conquered their weight without the help of the Lord...but I am even more sure that I will never conquer it permanently without Him.  I know how to lose weight but it isn't losing that is the problem...it is learning how to master my appetites and passions instead of them mastering me.