Learning, Ever Learning

This time of year always makes me a little introspective. Not in a morose way but definitely more contemplative. I've been thinking about all the things that have happened in our family and to myself this year and I have to conclude that we have been very blessed. There have been many ups and downs - some serious, some funny, and some things that have taught me some valuable lessons. I feel like one of the most valuable experiences I have had in my life occurred this year when I gained much of my weight back...and while I certainly wish I hadn't done it, I am grateful because it has caused me to do a great deal of self analysis and to understand what drives me, which I hope will help me be successful in the longterm.

My goal isn't about weight loss really. I know how to lose weight...have done it over and over and over. What I don't know how to do is to lose ALL of my weight and keep it off by making this a lifestyle. I have learned that I need to learn how to master me - my appetites, passions, and emotions - all the frustrations, anger, worry, joy, boredom...just all the things that drive my food consumption.

I have also learned that I have no idea what a "normal" portion size is really. Nor do I really stop to savor each bite. In fact - if someone were to give me a 3# box of chocolates I wouldn't be happy until I had eaten the whole thing - regardless of my resolve! Regardless that I probably wouldn't even like all of them!!! Over a period of time I would find that I had eaten it all as I told myself that I was just going to have just one more piece! I have yet to learn "why" I do this, and perhaps that isn't important...but I do know I need to learn how to savor, enjoy, and feel satisfied with a taste of something without feeling the need to consume everything in sight. I don't even want to think that I'll never have another chocolate or ice cream cone or brownie - but I would like to learn how to be completely satisfied with a small sample instead of the whole container.

I have also learned that I am not a quitter. I very nearly threw my hands in the air and decided to quit trying - telling myself that it was of no use - I was going to just be morbidly obese the rest of my life - it was too hard and futile. Yes, I blew it...but I am going to stay with this until I have learned how to be who I really am on the outside as well as the inside!

I have also learned that I am truly an addict. I wish it weren't so...but it is. And, like an alcoholic, I cannot ever have diet Dr. Pepper. Others can but I cannot. I will always be a recovering addict. By society's measure diet Dr. Pepper must seem inocuous but the fact is that it is a trigger for everything that is death to a healthy life and normal and good for me. When I drink a diet Dr. Pepper I want chips, cookies, ice cream, brownies, and not in a 1/4 cup portion either! I want more and more of whatever and I lose all sense of balance and control.

And, I have learned that some activities (i.e. going to the gym, logging food, planning, checking in here, and talking to others that are working to overcome similar problems, etc.) will go a long way in helping me be successful in my goals.

I have also learned that when I am out of control my natural instinct is to become a recluse. And that the only way out is for me to face myself and account for my actions. I will avoid that as long as I can. Pride, pride, pride....

I have decided that I have been approaching this effort a little bit like Lot's wife of biblical fame - the woman who was told not to look back and when she did she was turned into a pillar of salt. My guess is it wasn't the looking back that was the problem - rather her desire for what her life had been. In so many ways I have had the same problem...I want to be able to drink the diet Dr. Pepper, eat the chips and brownies and ice cream in the glutonous proportions of my old life and still be skinny and healthy. Somehow that doesn't work - it doesn't even work for people with high metabolisms! Rather - I need to learn to look forward to the journey. Be excited about the process and self discovery. And to learn to recognize and appreciate the blessings of my new lifestyle - each and every day! To take note and bask in an extra minute of hard cycling that I can now do, or losing blood pressure meds, or fitting into a cute pair of jeans...every day I should be seeing and enjoying the benefits of my efforts rather than wishing I could have the "forbidden fruit!"

I am sure that there are many more lessons that I will have learned but are not recognizing yet...but I am happy with these humble beginnings and I am excited by the promise of a new year...a new start...and a new me. I am under no illusions that the road will always be as easy as it is right now but I am hoping that I am learning to truly understand me and how I can become my master instead of food.

Recently I visited my opthamologist as the cataracts I have seem to be giving me difficulty.  I learned that it is way past time to have them removed and new lenses inserted. I am really excited about that as my vision is deteriorating rapidly. I can no longer see signs, peoples' faces, etc. My vision will no longer be clouded - it will be clear, crisp, and defined. I believe my vison of myself is as clouded by my weight as my eyesight is by the cataracts. I think I may just be getting as excited to see who I am as I am about seeing my surroundings. One of the most difficult things about losing weight is that we often only see a distortion of what we really are and we are often afraid of what we will/won't become. I'm hoping to embrace the emerging me. How many times have I stopped short of my goals for some stupid reason - often times unknown to even me!?!?! I'm here to say I can do this and I am hoping that I will find tremendous success this new year. And now that I have written another epistle I need to get to bed.