Last night I received and email from a friend from my Biggest Loser group. She weighs over 400 pounds and is miserable. We both have a belief in God and in his mercy and atonement...however, I have the fulness of the gospel and I am so grateful for that.
My heart went out to her - I tried to respond in a way that might point her to Christ as the power and way to escape the bondage that she is in...however, I doubt I had the words needed...I just hope I had the spirit with me. This morning I awakened with my thoughts turned to her again and I tried to respond again in such a way that she could feel the love of our Savior and again, I just don't know.
As I searched for ways and words to express my thoughts I turned to the book "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" written by Colleen Harrison. Colleen wrote this book as a study guide to correlate with the 12 step program focusing on the Book of Mormon and the principles of the gospel. A couple of years ago I started through it as I was struggling but in the move I couldn't find the book and I don't even know if I was really working things properly then. A few weeks ago I found the box the book was in and last night I opened it in an attempt to find words of solace for my friend. As I opened its pages I recognized that I had had some significant miracles happen earlier in the year...miracles that opened my eyes and understanding enough to restart my weight loss journey and to feel the overwhelming love of my Savior.
In January, at the start of the new Gospel Doctrine curriculm, I decided to undertake a study of the Old Testament...to really study, to ponder, to learn. That process had given me new insights and understandings that really set me on the course I am on now - those miracles saved my life. But, just like the pride cycle, as Cherstin and the kids came, trips ensued, and my practice of going to the gym became habitual my study time diminished. It has not been totally eradicated...I listen to conference, BYU discussions on the Book of Mormon, and CES talks on my ipod while I exercise, and I study as deeply as I know how for my monthly Relief Society lesson that I teach. But I can feel that the consistent study, pondering, and prayer that had been my blessing at the beginning of the year has been replaced by good things - but I need to restore that practice because the conference talks, the ces talks, etc. taken in in this way are more casual...my eye isn't on them with a singular focus. I have been blessed by them - no doubt! But I have not had the study sessions in my daily schedule for a while and I need them and the Spirit to help me daily. If I get any more casual or away from it I am in true danger of beginning to believe in my own strength, that I am responsible for my success in weight loss rather than acknowledging that it is truly by the power of the Lord that I am being delivered. And, frankly, I have that self righteous, proud, arrogant tendency anyway...I have to constantly be on guard against it...I don't want or need it to gain any more foothold that it has. Besides, it is no exaggeration to say that I am powerless, I am nothing...but that with my Heavenly Father's help, the Savior's atonement, and the Holy Ghost I can become what I should be. Ironically it just hit me how absolutely true this is...it takess three Gods to help me...wow! And what is even more thrilling and humbling to know that I, along with the rest of my Heavenly Father's children, are really the object of Their work...and They could do it easily if I would just get out of Their way! So, I am heading back to better study habits so that I might have His spirit to be with me.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Renewal
Today I weighed in after being gone for about a month - down a pound and at 330. I would jump for joy but the reality is that I don't really deserve that one pound. I was fine for the better part of the month - but the last 10 days were nothing but a pig out. I am EXTREMELY bloated and miserable. My joints ache throughout my body and I am seriously beginning to wonder if I have PAD or am allergic to the joint that is in my foot. I also itch like crazy too.
Anyway - we got back on Monday and I still ate stupidly on Tuesday - but since Wednesday I have done much, much better and I am feeling less bloated than before - had felt like my feet were going to burst - the skin was that tight. I think I react that badly to soda as well - so I am back off of it now too. When am I going to learn???? Seriously????? What amazes me is that I have no excuse - my body really does respond when given things that are healthy for it. I would like to believe otherwise - it would take the responsibility away if it were true - but it isn't. I am beginning to feel the effects already - I just need to take this seriously and not play around with it. Perhaps there was a time when it wasn't as life threatening as this is now - but that isn't the case anymore. So I am renewing my committment AGAIN!
Anyway - we got back on Monday and I still ate stupidly on Tuesday - but since Wednesday I have done much, much better and I am feeling less bloated than before - had felt like my feet were going to burst - the skin was that tight. I think I react that badly to soda as well - so I am back off of it now too. When am I going to learn???? Seriously????? What amazes me is that I have no excuse - my body really does respond when given things that are healthy for it. I would like to believe otherwise - it would take the responsibility away if it were true - but it isn't. I am beginning to feel the effects already - I just need to take this seriously and not play around with it. Perhaps there was a time when it wasn't as life threatening as this is now - but that isn't the case anymore. So I am renewing my committment AGAIN!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Still With It
Today is my 5th day of Atkins. My resolve is still pretty high but I know that this is going to be a very, very, very long and concerted effort. I am also under no illusion about how quickly I can lose my way. But so far - so good.
I have been quilting a lot lately and have been thinking about the construction of quilts. Usually they are made up of very small pieces of fabric that have been sewn into "blocks" and the blocks are then sewn together to create a quilt top.
I guess that I have been looking at losing weight as deconstructing myself when in reality it is more constructing. Yes, I am deconstructing the weight and as many of the ill effects as possible, but the reality is that I am in bondage. My knees are impossibly stiff and painful and swollen. All of my joints are suffering. Those are the physical effects that I can feel - but I can image the condition of my arteries, liver, kidneys, heart, and pancreas - I doubt that they are in any better condition. My activities are becoming more and more restricted by my obesity and the ravages that it is taking. So, in my efforts to lose (especially in my success) I am constructing a new life - the ability to move, participate fully and to regain my health. I am gaining a life - my life. It's about time! And - in reality - time is passing whether or not I do anything about my obesity - so I ought to take advantage of each day and put it is a "block" of ten pounds here and ten pounds there, lower cholesterol levels a little bit at a time, less pressure on my knees one pound at a time until I whole.
I have been quilting a lot lately and have been thinking about the construction of quilts. Usually they are made up of very small pieces of fabric that have been sewn into "blocks" and the blocks are then sewn together to create a quilt top.
I guess that I have been looking at losing weight as deconstructing myself when in reality it is more constructing. Yes, I am deconstructing the weight and as many of the ill effects as possible, but the reality is that I am in bondage. My knees are impossibly stiff and painful and swollen. All of my joints are suffering. Those are the physical effects that I can feel - but I can image the condition of my arteries, liver, kidneys, heart, and pancreas - I doubt that they are in any better condition. My activities are becoming more and more restricted by my obesity and the ravages that it is taking. So, in my efforts to lose (especially in my success) I am constructing a new life - the ability to move, participate fully and to regain my health. I am gaining a life - my life. It's about time! And - in reality - time is passing whether or not I do anything about my obesity - so I ought to take advantage of each day and put it is a "block" of ten pounds here and ten pounds there, lower cholesterol levels a little bit at a time, less pressure on my knees one pound at a time until I whole.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Let the Journey Begin
Today I decided to switch to Atkins. Rigorously. My thinking was that I have been trying really hard not to snack, eat more balance meals, lots of fiber...but I am just retaining water and the scale isn't moving and my joints are killing me. Maybe, at this juncture, this has been increasing inflammation...so I am switching.
Today for Breakfast:
2 eggs
3 slices of ham 3 carb
1 tsp. butter
sprinkle of salt and pepper
Lunch:
6 oz can of kirkland tuna
1/4 mayo
2 tbl. relish 2 carb
5 stalks of celery 6 carb
Dinner:
Hamburger
Fried cabbage and onion 5 carb
Olive oil, butter, carroway seed
Cheese, cheedar 1 carb
I have also drunk well over my 8 glasses of water and taken my measurements. I can see that I am going to have to do some planning to eat this way again or I will get very bored and lose my resolve. Today has been a good day though - just 13 more days of induction - and then I can add nuts and other things that will give a little more variety. Three more days until my sugar stores have been depleted and many of the craving cease. Right at the moment I feel strong, committed, and proactive.
Today for Breakfast:
2 eggs
3 slices of ham 3 carb
1 tsp. butter
sprinkle of salt and pepper
Lunch:
6 oz can of kirkland tuna
1/4 mayo
2 tbl. relish 2 carb
5 stalks of celery 6 carb
Dinner:
Hamburger
Fried cabbage and onion 5 carb
Olive oil, butter, carroway seed
Cheese, cheedar 1 carb
I have also drunk well over my 8 glasses of water and taken my measurements. I can see that I am going to have to do some planning to eat this way again or I will get very bored and lose my resolve. Today has been a good day though - just 13 more days of induction - and then I can add nuts and other things that will give a little more variety. Three more days until my sugar stores have been depleted and many of the craving cease. Right at the moment I feel strong, committed, and proactive.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Discouragement
I haven't posted for a long time. Things have been pretty hectic and sometimes very difficult...but mostly I have just not given my all to the cause of being my best self. I am back where I started and very discouraged about it.
I have heard that an alcoholic usually has to reach bottom before they can climb out of their self made pit - and perhaps that is where I am. So maybe this discouragement is a good thing in a very twisted way! LOL
I have decided that I will log my food here as well as any exercise. Maybe that needs to be the first step. So tomorrow the journey begins anew. Maybe I am like Lehi and his family - constantly going back to Jerusalem before they really got started! Just wish I were that faithful!
I have heard that an alcoholic usually has to reach bottom before they can climb out of their self made pit - and perhaps that is where I am. So maybe this discouragement is a good thing in a very twisted way! LOL
I have decided that I will log my food here as well as any exercise. Maybe that needs to be the first step. So tomorrow the journey begins anew. Maybe I am like Lehi and his family - constantly going back to Jerusalem before they really got started! Just wish I were that faithful!
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